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September 25, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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What is wrong with my relationship?


I love a man but it seems that during our relationship he seems to ask questions about the way I do things. The way he asks the questions is very sarcastic. If he sees me watching a Asian movie he may ask "Why do you like that movie, do you want to be Chinese?" It seems as if I am always explaining myself when asked these annoying sarcastic questions.

China (21)


I'm going to be giving you my view of this problem but please remember that I can't tell from your letter whether you are Chinese or not. I am answering as I would for someone living in the U.S. If there is a cultural difference between us, you will need to do the "interpreting" for your own culture....

You boyfriend's sarcastic questions are demeaning and disrespectful to you, and they are a sign of insecurity within him. I bet your can notice that they happen much more often when he is in a bad mood about other things or when his thoughts about his own value have been diminished recently. It's as if he is trying to feel "bigger" by making you feel "smaller."

But regardless of his reasons for what he does, your own problem is about how to protect yourself from this mistreatment. I assume you have told him that you don't like these remarks and he has heard you. (If not, that is certainly the first step!)

Frankly, I think what I would do is show him this letter I'm writing to you and ask him to talk about whether he agrees with what I've said above. If he does agree, even to a small degree, then instead of insulting you in these ways he could simply talk to you about what a bad day he has had, what has gone wrong recently that makes him feel "small" or angry, etc. This would certainly be a better thing for both of you to talk about than his insults and your bad feelings about it.

Since you mentioned that this sometimes happens when you are watching a movie, I wonder if he might be doing this for attention. Does he complain that he doesn't get enough attention? Could it be that he is angry because he wants to cuddle or have sex or just talk about his day? If so, he should say what he wants clearly and not be expecting you to "guess." (Certainly his critical remarks are not a good way for him to invite you to feel close to him!)

Also, there's a topic at my web site that may relate to relationships like yours. It's about relationships in which one person is "controlling" and the other is "passive." You and he may want to check it out. It's at: http://www.HelpYourselfTherapy.com/topics/pascon.html

Thanks for an excellent question.

Tony Schirtzinger

This question was answered by Tony Schirtzinger.

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