Want abusive boyfriend back
QUESTION:
Shorty (39 year-old woman) from Winston-Salem, N.C.I broke up with my boyfriend in December of 1998, because we were having so many problems. He used to beat me and lie and get high and I had gotten to the point where I was scared of him. So I walked away. We were supposed to get married this year in August of 1999. But now for the reason called LOVE, I want him back! I still love him regardless of the things that have happened with him and I.
He has changed and is in the church now. He doesn't get high and he does not drink anymore. I talk to him on the phone and I have been out to lunch with him once this year. I have two daughters and they just love him to death, I want him back so much. Is it wrong for me to want a man that use to beat and mistreat and cheat on me? I love him so much.
ANSWER:
Tony Schirtzinger,
Hi Shorty,
Thanks for writing!
I'm going to be responding to your letter line-by-line, so it seems more "conversational"...
Shorty
I broke up with my boyfriend in December of 1998, because we were having so many problems. He used to beat me and lie and get high and I had gotten to the point where I was scared of him. So I walked away.
Tony
I'm glad you left him! The first thing we owe ourselves is safety. It's more important than anything else...
Shorty
We were supposed to get married this year in August of 1999. But now for the reason called LOVE, I want him back! I still love him regardless of the things that have happened with him and I.
Tony
You may love him and he may love you, but your safety will always be more important. If you now feel SAFE with him ALWAYS, it might be possible for you to get back together - but that would mean two huge things. First, that he has changed into a person who IS always safe, and second, that you have overcome all the frightening things he did in the past to make you afraid. Both of these things are extremely difficult to do, which is why most people in your situation should not consider getting back together regardless of love.
Shorty
He has changed and is in the church now. He doesn't get high and he does not drink anymore. I talk to him on the phone and I have been out to lunch with him once this year.
Tony
Did you feel 100% safe while you were with him at lunch? Don't even consider being with him unless you do...
Shorty
He has changed and is in the church now. He doesn't get high and he does not drink anymore. I talk to him on the phone and I have been out to lunch with him once this year. I have two daughters and they just love him to death, I want him back so much. Is it wrong for me to want a man that use to beat and mistreat and cheat on me? I love him so much.
Tony
Probably. Of course I don't know you personally, but most situations like this are more about "dependency" than about love. I'd bet that regardless of whether you actually love each other or not, you both probably think that you "need" each other. And you do NOT need each other. I can say that because nobody needs any one other person to make it in this world. (We need contact with good people, but we don't need any one specific individual.)
I hope this has been helpful, even though I imagine that some of what I said is not what you wanted to hear...
Tony Schirtzinger, ACSW, Therapist
This question was answered by Tony Schirtzinger. For more information visit: http://helpyourselftherapy.com/