Depressed
QUESTION:
Lou, 29-year-old manI have a horrible life that I created for myself. I'm terribly lonely. I'm overweight and have pretty much given up on any romance in my life. I haven't had a girlfriend in 6 years. Not even a date. I wish I would just die and get it over with. I cry all the time now; whenever I see something romantic on TV or whatever it breaks me up. I hate going to sleep, I hate waking up. I don't want to work. I only want to hide in my house and never leave.
I feel helpless to change my life. I know I need to lose weight, but I just can't seem to. I think that if I could, all my problems would be solved. I want love. I live alone and have no one to confide in. I never show my feelings to my family or friends. I act as if nothing is wrong. I work alone also. I think I spend 98% of the average day alone. I have tried making friends online but I always seem to let my feelings come out and blow it. If this is all life has to offer than I got the short end of the stick. I hate myself for getting fat. When I pass a mirror at home I always seem to stop and call myself names. Loser, fat ass, etc. I feel like a pathetic fool. And if I died who would care or even know? I am afraid to see a doctor or seek professional help.
Am I wrong to think that falling in love, or should I say having someone love me, could be my cure? If something doesn't change soon I don't know what I will do. Also, are not wanting to go to sleep and not wanting to get out of bed signs of depression? What about crying all the time over small things? Could finding a mate solve my problems or complicate them?
ANSWER:
Andy Bernay-Roman,
Dear Lou,
Yes, all those are signs of depression, and like it or not, you need professional help. You're already reaching out for help in writing to us here, so take another step and find a therapist to work with. That would be an important investment in your wellness, and one that could turn your life around. Maybe right now you don't even know how that could ever happen for you, which is all the more reason to get help now. It can happen for you, too. Lots of people get through depression and come out better for it.
I hear great pain in your letter, and a great desire to change, both of which can add up to a high motivation. Go for it, Lou. You obviously already feel you've got nothing to lose, so use that sense of abandon to do the right thing.
Firstly, you need a medical check up to rule out physiological reasons for excess weight gain. You might not even be "to blame", you know, and maybe some sort of medical treatment could help you normalize your size and weight. At least don't torture yourself prematurely.
Next, get a therapist so you can get a baseline sense of hope about yourself, even if it has to come from the outside at first. Being depressed is not a sin. Being fat is not a crime it is just something that can be worked on.
Your cry for love is loud and clear, and worthy of a lot of serious attention. A therapist can help you unravel the isolationism you've woven so tightly around yourself. You need help, Lou. That's not a crime either.
Finding a mate does not guarantee that you will live happily ever after. In fact, it will probably complicate things for you--wonderfully, if you're lucky. You'll have to face the mystery of attachment, the problems of caring for someone else besides yourself, and the hurts and heartaches that come from misunderstandings. Being with a mate is not the baby-type panacea of having a mother. It'll make you and help you grow up in ways you aren't even imagining right now.
Get help, Lou, so you can enter that wonderful arena. I know that the rough time you're going through now will make you that much more humble and appreciative for all the good stuff in life when it comes to you. Get the help you need so you can get on track with feeling OK about your personhood. Life is waiting for you. You've already taken the first step. Take the next.
Sincerely,
Andy Bernay-Roman
This question was answered by Andy Bernay-Roman, RN, MS, LMHC, NCC, LMT. He is a nationally certified counselor in private psychotherapy practice in South Florida working with individuals, couples, and families with a deep-feeling therapy approach. Andy's medical background as an ICU nurse contributes to his success with clients with difficult medical diagnoses and/or chronic physical conditions. He also serves as head of the Psychological Support Department of West Palm Beach's Hippocrates Health Institute.For more information visit: http://www.deepfeeling.com/