I am sad, empty, shy/quiet, and have no energy some days, but I lead a fairly normal life. I don't think I have ever been happy. Some days I cry for hours, then I worry about how abnormal I am and whether seeking professional help will actually help quiet my inner voice.
I grew up with an abusive, drug induced sister. My parents weren't around a lot. I spent many hours/days locked in a bathroom or a bedroom to escape my sister, but somehow I never could. I would always give in. I think that is why I have a hard time saying my opinion, or standing up for myself. I have never had a boyfriend or really any close friends. I do have friends but I don't feel like I can ever tell them or show them my real self. The part of me that is sad. I get quiet when they talk about boyfriends or relationships.
I'm 5 foot 4, and weigh about 150 pounds. My point is I'm a little over weight and I have been dealing with that fact my whole life. I don't feel like I can let anyone see or feel my stomach because it's not small. I don't like the feelings of depression and I fight it off as much as I can. But it's there everyday. I want to be happy.
Is seeking help an option I should consider or is it a chemical imbalance that I feel?
I think you answered that question yourself by seeking help, so give yourself credit for possibly knowing more than you realize. I don't know if you were aware of it but you have also pointed out the link between your unhappy abusive past, your loneliness and your feelings about your stomach.
Although I know that this may initially make you feel uncomfortable I want to focus on your stomach. Stay with me even if as I guess it makes you feel very nervous for anyone to pay attention of any sort to your stomach. I am not going to do anything bad to you and I am sure you will soon see the value of my doing this.
Your stomach area, as with everyone is one of the "containers" of many of our feelings, hence the sayings "butterflies in my stomach", "feeling sick to the pit of my stomach". I am sure these and other sayings are familiar to you. See if you can identify some that feel right for you.
Because of what has happened to you in the past (you say you have been dealing with your weight all of your life, so I guess this emotional stuff goes back a long way), I believe you have a lot, and I mean a lot of undealt with emotions in this area of your body. One of the reasons I suspect they have not been dealt with is because of your lack of support from your parents who you say weren't around a lot. And then as you grew older actually not knowing how to share this part of you with your friends and keeping your sad bit hidden. The problem with this is that the feelings will not go away on their own however long they wait, and often new sadness, hurt and anger get added on until the problem starts to feel really serious as I guess it is now.
Firstly, let me say your stomach has served you well, trying to protect you by holding and hiding your hurt as much as possible. Without this mechanism who knows how you might have fared. I am not suggesting you suddenly say everything is OK, touch me there if you want I don't have a problem. You are very wise to protect this area from others for the time being. What I would like is for you to start getting to know and acknowledge this area of your own body yourself, slowly by firstly allowing your attention to go to your stomach and gradually over time increasing the amount of time you can keep your attention there. Note the feelings you have when you do this.
When you are ready, see if you can move on to actually touching your own stomach kindly and with respect and see what you learn over a period of time through doing that. This may be a process better supported by working with a therapist, but you will have the wisdom to know that when you try the exercises.
If I can liken the feelings in your stomach area to indigestible foodstuffs, or even liken them to food poisoning you will better understand what I am going to ask you to do next. As you don't want these old feelings sitting inside you for ever, blocking you from forming relationships and keeping you lonely, I am going to suggest a way of releasing them slowly, safely and in your own time.
I want you to drink four glasses of mineral water a day to assist in this process of detoxification of your stomach. Also when you go to the toilet for a bowel movement, I want you to focus each time on one of the feelings that you have stored in your stomach for so long and imagine you are eliminating and releasing a little of this sad stored feeling. As you work through these exercises you will find that you come to know yourself much better, and your inner voice will start to quiet. Initially you may have a slight increase in intensity of your sad, hurt and lonely feelings but these will start to gradually reduce as you acknowledge these all as a part of you. Through doing this and accepting yourself as a whole, integrated person more, you will find yourself more able to share what you choose with friends, feel less lonely and I am almost certain your weight problem will also disappear. From there the rest is up to you.
Good luck, take your time and honor your body for the way it has supported you, and honor yourself for what you have been through and you will find your way to happiness.
Women Improving Self Harmony...one woman at a time.