I had minor surgery when I was 18. It was a bladder stone. Since then, I have always had bad grades. No matter how I do, I just give up at the last moment. Till now, even in the first year of my degree course, I still couldn't get rid of it. I don't have many friends that I can really talk to. Well, actually, I have none. And I have no one that I can seek for help. Even if I do, the others will consider that it's an excuse. And I'm the only child at home...I can't really communicate with my parents.
The problem is that...I think I suffer from depression. I'm not very sure if I do have it because lately I often think that I do have such problems and I have noone to ask or to seek for counsel. In Malaysia, people will ignore this problem, and not even try to help at all. I just felt frustrated that I can't excel in my studies. Whatever I do, I just can't score although I really do my best. Lately, out of 6 subjects, I failed four and it worries me a lot. I don't even know if I will be accepted into the UK universities and I have no way to go now. If I am rejected, I don't what I will do. My parents will definitely stop me from continuing my studies, which I really wish to continue.
It would be better to end my life like that, but I know. Problems won't be solved if I end my life just like that. I should be facing the challenge with courage. But I can't...I just can't face it anymore... No matter how hard I tried, I just can't concentrate. I always feel sleepy although I have had 8 hours of sleep. I totally lost interest in everything I used to like. For instance, I love studying, especially electrical and electronic engineering. Yet, I just lost all my motivation. Sometimes, I don't even have the mood to study. I don't know...I tried to do what I can to help myself, but it's just won't work no matter how much effort.
I don't know if I have depression and had no idea what it is at all until I searched the net and did some tests. That is when I figured it out and suspected that I might have depression. My heart always pounds, more than 70 times a minute. And always feel insecure. I am restless and do not have stable emotions. I haven't been myself, I know that I am capable of good grades and success. But lately, I really lost my confidence in every test. When I study, I can't concentrate at all. My mind is just empty. I always think I will fail and I'm totally useless. I am a failure in my family. A disgrace to my parents. It had been like this way for a year or two. I know that it only happened after I had my surgery because I totally gave up everything, my life and my studies. I do not know why...why I can't be the one I used to be. I want to be healthy again. I want to be a cheerful guy that will face all the challenges with confidence. But I can't...I really can't. I cannot tell anyone about my problems here, as Malaysia does not seems to care about all this things...They just consider it's an excuse for not being able to do well. I can't explain to them, no one, including my parents, seems to care about me!
To tell the truth, I really want to end my life...where there won't be any trouble anymore... Do please help me. I think I do really need help and guidance. There is no one here that would help me...And even though I want to see a doctor, I have no cash...I am just a student, a lousy student who has done nothing that I feel proud of besides being a member of Red Cross. Your kindness will never be forgotten.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Do please help me. I never thought of seeking help until I now.....I think I may just go crazy and may want to kill myself if I don't seek help...I am really worried about my studies.
No, you are not crazy for wanting to seek help. It is a good idea. The guidance counseling depart at your school should be able to help you through this depression. Since your worries are interfering with your studies, I would have to agree that your depression is serious and you should get some professional counseling. It would be a mistake to end your life; and if you are feeling like you might do this and have no control, have a close friend or someone get you to an emergency room. You do not really want to end your life because if you did, you would not have reached out to anyone, not even online. The fact that you asked for help online indicates your willingness to live; and that means your life has a purpose...a direction. All you need to do is find this purpose; and counseling can help redirect you towards your goals. Sometimes it may seem like no one really cares; but people do care. Just be careful whom you elect to share your concerns with.
As I said earlier, most schools have counseling center just for their students, which is usually free. I do not know if you are religious or not, but you can always find comfort in the church. If there is a church near you, feel free to seek help from a member of their professional staff. Of course, you may write to me online at my private email address as well: ( TReed2010@aol.com) . Good luck to you and remember you are not alone. I am sure you have many things to be proud of in yourself; and it will take some time to sort them out. And being a member of the Red Cross is a fine and admirable thing.