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November 20, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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I have (finally) a great relationship with a much younger man, who loves me but wants to get married and have children (but not to/with me). Am I being masochistic in staying with him? I'm very happy except for the times I start thinking about the reality of the situation!

Daisy (46 year-old woman) from Honolulu, HI.


Dear Daisy,

We have wisdom inside ourselves. It seems to me you know the answer to the question you pose.

It's been a long time since you were in a great relationship. It feels like it's certainly your turn to be happy with a man. You say you're "(finally) [in] a great relationship with a much younger man." So he's MUCH younger and is enjoying a different time of life than your time of life.

He's being honest. You say he, "wants to get married and have children (but not to/with me)." So he's not deceiving you. He loves you and he wants the natural stages of life he deserves--including a young wife who can have kids.

Your dilemma is: "Am I being masochistic in staying with him?"

That depends, doesn't it? If you can enjoy loving and being loved by him, knowing he wants to spend his life with someone you can't be, then you can have a sophisticated, loving time together--for now.

But if you are kidding yourself that he will change his mind and choose to live like a 46 year-old, then, when he finds a wife, you could be setting yourself up to be miserable and in pain right in middle of paradise. It's peculiar how small Hawaii can feel and how out of place one can feel on the island when one's spirit is out of sync with the spirit of Hawaii.

If you're not sure whether you can handle the inevitable, look into your history and see whether you've set yourself up to hurt before and what's happened.

You say, "I'm very happy except for the times I start thinking about the reality of the situation!"

Reality is worth keeping in mind. Reality preserves us from stumbling into volcanoes.

All the best,

Leya Aum, MA, MFCC

This question was answered by Leya Aum. She is California licensed marriage, family, child counselor certified in clinical hypnosis. She teaches Feldenkrais Method® of Neuromuscular Relearning, is practitioner of the Bowen Technique and Jin Shin Jyutsu®. She is also human resources consultant, writer and editor.

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