Loss and grief
QUESTION:
Basically, my life fell apart. It was doing so well. I was getting good grades, I had excellent friends and everything was falling into place with my new stepdad and our new house. But, just as suddenly as everything had gotten great, it started to fall apart in no time. My grandmother, the one that literally raised me and I could not love any more (that would be impossible!), had been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 30. It was soon in recession, but was returning often. Finally, she got it big. It started as breast cancer, then moved back into the breastbone, into her lungs and slowly up to her head. I wasn't really worried about anything because even though I knew her time was limited, she was a very religious person and I knew where she would be. It was the complete removal of her that would bury me in my sadness.
My best friend could not have been greater. She talked to me about her getting sick and reminded me over and over that I need to take care of myself and I didn't have to be committed to helping my mother. I can't even tell you how many times she told me she would catch me if I were to fall. Shortly after all this started to happen, she got a boyfriend and I was soon replaced. As my grandma plummeted towards death, my friendship was also following. I could not have expected it any less. I was just crushed because of the two people I cared about most, both were slipping in front of my eyes. In February she died. I was more shocked than anything, still thinking about what life would be like and if it would even sink in. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to without my best friend. My mother was devastated, and I was lost.
But, amidst my confusion, the telephone rang, with my best friend on the other line was there to remind me that she would catch me, and here she was. We talked for nearly four hours, the last 30 minutes resulted in a fight and the same day I lost my grandma, I lost my best friend. I had never felt such a lack of love in my life. And to top if off, in May my great-grandmother died as well.
But, here, nearly five months later, I am okay with the death of my grandma. I, being religious myself, believe she is much happier, and I know she is because she was taking so much medicine, she remembered her family, but not much else. I love her dearly, but I still am very upset about the loss of my best friend. It has been seven months since our first 'fight' and I am still so sad. I guess because I can't do anything about it. I know that she is never really happy (if she wasn't without me) and that she has trouble talking to others besides me. It's still true, too, but I feel like I should be there for her. She was more like a little sister and a best friend more than anything.
My main question is why I am still upset? I can't seem to get over anything and I still feel like I am supposed to be there for her, but she won't let me be. I love her tremendously, but I don't know what to do. I lost so much and I feel so incomplete with life. I am still my happy self around my not-so-close friends, but all my other friends no nothing. Why can't I move on? And what should I do to make it hurt less?
ANSWER:
Women Improving Self Harmony,
I would like to start off by offering my condolences on the loss of your grandmother. Grief is a powerful emotion. You write as though you have come to accept your grandmother's passing and still think of her often. It is important to remember those in our lives who have made a difference. We can accept the passing and at the same time, still miss them dearly.
It sounds as if you are feeling pretty confused about what's going on with your best friend. Let me assure you the transition your friendship is in is perfectly natural. It is to be expected as you both grow and mature, you will take on new interests, attract new relationships and develop differences. Despite a friend not being a family member, there is still a natural progression for independence and establishing a personal identity.
Of course you would feel upset, in relation to all of the loss you have experienced over the past year. Here is someone you are very close to, whose friendship you enjoyed and you now have a rift in your relationship. You feel hurt...of course you do.
I cannot wave your hurt away with a few magic phrases. A person can only change what is in their control to change. By answering the questions below you may possibly be able to understand your emotions and possibly your own personal direction, in life.
What is it that you would like to have happen right now? Is it something you can control or something you have no control over? If not, what do you have control over?
It is safe to say that there are times when we have a great deal of control and others when we have little control. We are all individuals and because of this fact, we have little control over another human being. Therefore, you must allow your friend the space and time she needs to grow. You may not realize it, but all that you have been through, you have grown too. You indicated that you have a religious faith as did your grandmother. Have strength to face what is not certain in your life and let faith guide you.
Women Improving Self Harmony...one woman at a time.
This question was answered by Women Improving Self Harmony who provide a motivational approach to counseling. They work individually with women who are ready to create better lives for themselves by overcoming the past, building a future and learning from lessons to maintain a healthier lifestyle. Our Professional and Personal Mission statement is to allow women to sing from within, create there own personal harmony as we create our own. Our style provides one-on-one ventilation. One -on- one ventilation is making known to another your true self. With several counselors and personal life coaches we provide a gamut of services on a variety of issues.