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February 18, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Personality

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Loser

Question:

I have a messed up life. I have no goals and to be honest, it seems meaningless to have any. I'm such a big loser. I have a loving girlfriend whom I'm going marry, but I know I'll mess up her life too. I have always done badly in my studies and this is my first year in college, but I already know where it's headed. I wish I were dead - sometimes I see no reason for going on.

I never drink and never used drugs. I am religious, but not that much. I feel like I don't care about anything and that I was born bad, although I haven't done anything bad... yet I feel I deserve nothing and that I'm better off dead. I don't feel that I can change who I am! I feel no one understands me and that my thoughts are wicked. I feel lonely. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I don't know any more.

I just want to be happy. I've been sad for a long time and for no real reason. I don't want to do anything. I read once that Dr. Judith said we must do the right thing in order to be happy. Well, just for the heck of it, how do I do this? How do I "take my life as a challenge" instead of feeling unworthy?

Answer:

Happiness is partly a destination and partly the trip. If you treat it solely as a destination you will get bogged down in the self-blaming and/or victim stances. Part of the question may be what is happiness or more accurately, where is happiness found. On the one hand, if you see happiness is found in the perfect grades, perfect relationships, lots of money, success, etc. odds are you won't find it. We aren't perfect and life isn't perfect. On the other hand, you can begin to view today, the present as perfect. Perfect in the sense that it is as good as it is today. If you aren't happy with the present you can always work to make thing more perfect tomorrow. You don't like your grades arrange your life so you can study more, find a tutor. You don't like your relationships, raise your standards, establish boundaries stop tolerating, realize that some relationships are simply not healthy for you and you need someone different in your life.

We are aware of what we tell ourselves. You may be convincing yourself that you aren't good at school; you won't find happiness, etc. We usually find what we are looking for. If you look for happiness even in the small things of life you will find it. If you look for more reasons for despair you will fine that too. Life is what you make it.

You mentioned you had a girlfriend you may marry. I would suggest to you that you are coming to that relationship too needy. When people enter relationships needing more than giving it may be a recipe for disaster. Your relationship with your girlfriend will become part of all the other things you have noted here. Work on yourself first, do the things you esteem then allow yourself to feel good about it. Build your self by changing how you feel about yourself, what you are looking for in life, what you expect, how you view yourself, the world and your place in it first. Then you may be ready to have a relationship. Until then you may be just making her miserable along with you.

Thomas H Schear

This question was answered by Thomas H Schear. Dr. Schear has over 20 years experience as a front line counselor, clinical supervisor, program director and college instructor. Currently he provides online and telephone counseling service as well as home-study and online course for the helping professional from his website.

For more information visit the site or contact information page on QueenDom.

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