Husband doesn't want sex


Husband doesn't want sex


your avatar   37 year-old woman

I have been married for 3 years and my husband has completely lost interest in any type of romance or intimacy. He seems to be afraid of not satisfying me sexually, therefore avoids all closeness. He is aware of my need to be close, however I have never demanded sex. I am not missing the orgasm, but the touching and closeness that used to follow. He doesn't want to discuss any solution, and frankly I'm not sure he or I know of one. This has gone on for two years. I have simply tried patience, but I am starting to doubt his love. I am positive there is no one else. He states he is just not interested in sex with anyone. The last time we were sexually active was two months ago. Although there was no orgasm and ejaculation, within minutes I felt satisfied. He says I'm not. My husband is 36 years old. Sex for us was great when we first started dating. Please, please what can I or what should I do? My main concern of course is to resume closeness not so much sex, although that would be nice. I just want him to feel he can be close to me again.

What should I do to make sure both of us come out of this feeling happy?


    Don Levy,

I can certainly understand your concern. Both you and your husband are still quite young and, given your fairly recent marriage and history of good sexual functioning at the beginning, something is definitely not OK.

Your husband's "just not interested in sex with anyone" response to your expressions of concern gives you little to work with. Very likely this becomes just a polite way of his saying, "Let's not talk about it."

It also seems clear that your wait-and-see approach, perhaps reasonable two years ago, has long outlived any likelihood of making things better. It's not very hopeful at this point things will improve without some insistence on your part that it be confronted as a mutual problem.

Good sexual functioning and an active interest in sex are dependent for almost everyone on good physical, psychological and relationship health. Be careful neither to give nor accept blame, but be willing and determined to see it as a problem you both need to address and take adult responsibility for resolving if the marriage is to likely endure.

I would suggest you press your husband to seek couple counseling with you. Select a counselor who is knowledgeable about sexual functioning. A good counselor will try to help you open a dialogue with your husband which respects his discomforts in talking about it, without forcing you, as now, to simply be passive in dealing with him. When both partners in a relationship are willing to work on a sexual problem, the odds of success go up dramatically.

Perhaps, if seeing a therapist in-person is simply too threatening or embarrassing to him, he might agree to working with you online, which for some people can feel less intimidating. In this case you could contact me at the e-mail address below.

If he is unwilling to work with you at all, you might wish to have this information sooner than later, so that you can decide whether or not you want to maintain this commitment.

Best of luck to both of you in improving your relationship.


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