No pleasure from sex


No pleasure from sex


your avatar   Jr. (23 year-old man)

My girlfriend is 18 years old and is having some problems feeling pleasure. She has no problems that I know about or that she has told me about. She's always sleepy and tired, but other than that she's okay.

My girlfriend has told me that she cannot get pleasure or have an orgasm when we make love. I tried everything, from doing it in every way I can think of to using lotions. I have no idea what do or where to go. Can you please help and my girlfriend?


    Tony Schirtzinger,

Dear Junior,

You've got things quite mixed up here. Your girlfriend's sexual pleasure is primarily her responsibility and not yours - and your own pleasure is primarily your responsibility and not hers.

It isn't your job to 'guess' or 'figure out' what she wants so she can enjoy sex more. It is her job to know what she likes and ask for it directly (either through words or through motions and such during sex).

You and she need to talk about all of this in great detail. Ask her what she likes and doesn't like during sex, when she changed from enjoying it to these current problems and what happened that day, etc.

If this doesn't help relatively quickly (within a month or so), she should see a medical doctor first to make sure there's nothing wrong physically. Then, if that doesn't work for her, she will need to see a good psychotherapist with training in sexual functioning.

Other suggestions and statements:

  • Don't pressure her about her own pleasure. It's okay if she isn't orgasmic and you are, as long as everything is voluntary.
  • Stop being focused on doing 'it' only.... Many women do not have orgasms during intercourse and there is nothing wrong with them at all. Both oral and manual sex can also lead to orgasm.
  • Ask your girlfriend to experiment with her own body when you aren't around (or when you are, if that's definitely OK with her....). Tell her this is the natural way we learn about our bodies and maybe there are things that have changed about her own responsiveness that she could learn in this way.
  • Above all, remember that sex is supposed to be PLAY. Taking it too seriously, for any reason at all, stops all the natural feelings from building.
  • Do realize that this is a serious problem, however, and I would suggest that you avoid making longer term commitments to each other until this is overcome.
  • You and your girlfriend might want to do some reading about sexual playfulness... perhaps reading such books separately would be a good idea - so neither of you feel any unnecessary pressure.

Sex is something wonderful that keeps changing throughout our lives and we have to be open to the learning. It is not at all uncommon to go through a period of feeling 'stuck' for a while, noticing that you need to learn some things, and then getting past the feeling of being stuck.

Hope this helps. Thanks for writing!

Tony Schirtzinger

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