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November 16, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Too tense?


My problem is that I'm too tense when it comes to having sex. I tend to tighten every limb in my body and that is not very pleasurable for my mate. He says that I'm trying too hard and I think he's right.

Do you think taking relaxation exercises will do me much good?

Bugze, 20-year-old woman


Most women, during high arousal and as they approach orgasm, automatically begin to tense. This is call "hypertonicity" and for many women is an essential step in reaching climax. The issue is not whether your partner is uncomfortable with this, but rather if it is a necessary part of your gaining total satisfaction. Perhaps he should learn more about typical female sexual response and you should learn to trust your body.

Relaxation is important in getting started, but if a woman stays relaxed, she'll never finish! If you or your partner is stopping because you are tensing, you might be missing something. Talk to him about YOUR feelings and elicit his help in allowing you to experiment with these feelings.

If you have masturbated, think of the progression you go through when alone. With your self pleasuring the hypertonicity would probably be of shorter duration, but is probably a part of your routine. Let the hypertonicity build when with your partner and discover where it leads you.

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.

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