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November 17, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Getting gypped in bed?


I have been with my boyfriend for around two years now and have been sexually active with him, and him only, for about a year and a half. The sex is good and I get very stimulated but never have an orgasm.

I want to know if there is something wrong with me or my boyfriend?

Holly (18 year-old woman)


Reaching orgasm is difficult for a lot of women, which seems unfair because of those who climax easily. But we are all different in a lot of ways, and this is one of the differences. However, do not despair. Many women have to learn how to become orgasmic and then it becomes easier and more reliable.

One mistake made by a lot of young couples is to assume that the woman's orgasm should occur with intercourse. This is the most difficult way for the vast majority of woman and, in fact, it is probably the majority of women will never reach orgasm with penile-vaginal stimulation. For most women, clitoral stimulation is essential and many women have discovered this through their own masturbation. Self-exploration and stimulation is recommended for women who have never experienced orgasm, for there is no pressure, when alone, of worrying what a partner is thinking. Also, a woman senses what it is she needs and immediately alters her touch or the location without having to try to give directions to another person who is intent on doing what they think will work! Finally, through self-pleasuring a woman takes ownership of her sexual body and her sexual expression.

Remember the importance of clitoral stimulation and invite your partner to pleasure this sensitive area with his fingers and his mouth. Oral sex (cunnilingus) is often very effective in bring a woman to her climax, as long as the giver remains on target. Remember also that you are the expert on your body and you must instruct your partner in what feels good to you. You can guide him with your words or by placing your hand on his and moving it to the area and in the way you like.

Remember that as women approach orgasm their bodies automatically begin to tense. Do not try to undo this and do not stop. Your partner should learn that as you begin to go into this hypertonicity, he should continue what he was doing that had gotten you to that point. You may need to instruct him, for it might work best if he does not change what he is doing, or it might be better if he goes faster...or harder... or whatever is going to work.

There are ways that women can increase the likelihood of having an orgasm during intercourse, but that's something to learn down the road. For now it is important that you work on your sexual self-awareness, work on your communication, and work on you understanding of how your body functions and what is going to give you the greatest orgasmic pleasure. It is also important that you ignore my use of the word "work," for our sexuality should always be fun!

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.

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