No orgasms


No orgasms


your avatar   Smiles (18 year-old woman) from Iowa

I have only had one partner and we have been having sex for about five months. I have NOT had an orgasm at all, while he has had multiple, sometimes two a night. We/I have tried almost everything that we can think of; relaxing, different positions, music, complete darkness. I have even tried pleasuring myself. I am about to give up.

Is there possibly something wrong with my body? Or is it possibly my partner? What is the best way to relax? What is the best way to play with the clitoris?


    Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

It cannot be denied that orgasms are very easy for some women and very difficult for others, and no one really knows why. However, we do know that a woman can try too hard... in a sense being too much in her head and not staying in touch with the process that is happening in her body. We also feel that some women have trouble giving up control, for one must give in to the automatic orgasmic reflex and allow the body to do what it will do. In other words, one cannot will an orgasm.

It is a paradox that the best way to have an orgasm is to stop trying. That said, I must quickly add that the site of stimulation is of utmost importance. The majority of women will not orgasm during intercourse, and most will agree that clitoral stimulation is essential. Each woman, however, has her own preference on exactly where on the clitoris (head or shaft) she likes to be caressed, how she wants to be caressed, and with what firmness she wants it. That is way it is important for you to continue with your self-stimulation in an effort to learn what will work best for you.

Remember, as a woman approaches orgasm, her body will naturally tense. When you feel you body begin to tense, do not fight this. In fact, you might even experiment with intensifying it.

I heartily endorse cunnilingus (oral stimulation) with a focus on the clitoris and know that many women enjoy and are orgasmic with a vibrator. For now, forget about positions of intercourse and concentrate on relaxing and enjoying cunnilingus. If you have not already done so, consider buying a vibrator that can be used alone or shared and used with an understanding partner.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit:


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