Spanking fantasies


Spanking fantasies


your avatar   Sophie (22 year-old woman) from New York, N.Y.

I was not abused as a child, nor did I receive many spankings. However I almost always get turned on by seeing or hearing someone being spanked. I do not remember having sexual feelings as a child on the rare occasion that corporal punishment was used.

I'm awfully confused about why scenarios involving discipline seem to be the only things that arouse me, and with me in the submissive role. I'm wondering if anyone can tell me what the possible cause for these fantasies might be, and if there is a way to get over them. Right now orgasm is impossible without their help. I feel like I will always have this secret fantasy life that I can't share with my partner because I feel so embarrassed by it.

Is there anything I can do? Why am I like this?


    Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center,

Dear Sophie,

The single most common theme in romance novels is some variation on the "gentle rape." That is, a woman engaging in sex because she "has to" in some way, such as out of gratitude or obligation, or because of mild force. This theme is intensely appealing to women in American society because it absolves the woman of responsibility for being, or wanting to be, sexual. After all, the predominant messages are that "Nice girls don't, those who do are nasty, and those who enjoy it are sluts!"

The fantasy of being spanked also atones simultaneously for the sin. How elegant! The punishment is served while the crime is committed, AND it adds to the "excitement" of the "crime!"

For reasons probably related to guilt induced by Judeo-Christian messages, many people experience guilt around their fantasies. I implore you to re-think the purpose (and groundlessness) of the guilt. Fantasies are the mental candy of sexuality, and most (but not all) dramatically lose their eroticizing value if acted out.

I encourage you to share your fantasies with your lover(s). You might be delighted with what they share in return based on your role modeling!


This question has been answered by Dr. William Fitzgerald, a.k.a. Sexdoc. He is a bona fide sex therapist. He is one of the sex therapists at the Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center, in Santa Clara, California. For more of Dr. Fitzgerald’s work, visitors can check out Ask the Sex Doc, his website devoted to answering questions about sex therapy, sexuality, and relationships.For more information visit:

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