Vibrators and boyfriends


Vibrators and boyfriends


your avatar   Geneva (29 year-old woman)

I can only reach orgasm through masturbation, with a vibrator, or occasionally when oral sex is performed on me. I cannot reach orgasm the "traditional" way. I am in a committed relationship and have been for a few months now. He knows I have a new vibrator, but we have not used it yet.

My boyfriend knows that I cannot reach orgasm the "traditional" way, but I am nervous about using my vibrator when we have sex. Is there a way to gracefully incorporate my vibrator into our sex life?


    Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

The majority of women do not reach orgasm the "traditional" way, if by this you mean intercourse. In fact, traditionally women have been denied orgasm until finally those in the know began speaking up and tell all of us that (in the words of Sher Hite, sexuality researcher, "intercourse is the most ineffective way to bring a woman to orgasm!") So, reaching orgasm reliably with a vibrator and occasionally with oral stimulation is not too far off typical and should not cause you any worry.

Now, the issue of introducing your toy to a boyfriend is in part because he is likely to see it as your toy! So, introduce it to him not by showing him what it can do for you, but showing him what it can do for him! Run the vibrating tip along the sensitive underside of his erection and around the rim of the head of his penis. In a sense, you want him to see the vibrator as a plaything you both can have fun with... it will make him feel less competitive with it.

Have him watch you as you apply it to yourself. Don't try to orgasm... let him get down to see where you put it and how you move it and talk to him as you do so. Educate him. Even then, when it finally gets to the point that you feel the need to orgasm, you will probably have to take control of the vibrator... you will probably remain the expert on its use, no matter how good a teacher you are.

One of the wonderful things about a vibrator (in addition to producing reliable orgasms) is that the typical user will hold it on her clitoris. This means her vaginal opening is still accessible for her lover's penis. Vibrators can be used during intercourse and are often more acceptable to men when they are. The guy can think that he is a part of the woman's orgasmic experience, and indeed he is, for many women experience a full sensation when they orgasm with clitoral stimulation but something friendly inside.

Experiment with positions of intercourse in which you can manipulate the vibrator and get the results you want. If you are unfamiliar with the "scissors position," visit my website and from the free ARTICLES page go to the article on Sex Toys. I have illustrations there of vibrators in use during intercourse.

Since I am an advocate for skillful cunnilingus, I would urge you to give oral stimulation a chance also. It might help if during the oral stimulation of your clitoris, your partner inserts one or two fingers and, with palm up, presses up behind your pubic bone. This is the notorious G Spot area. He should then curl his fingers as though beckoning someone to "come here."

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit:


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