Opposites in the bedroom
QUESTION:
Sunny (30 year-old woman)My husband and I have been together for nine years and have experienced our fair share of ups and downs. I've always had what I consider a very healthy libido and so does he. After many uncomfortable "sex-talks", we've become much more compatible in the bedroom, but I still find myself holding things back from him. I want my husband to know everything about me and to love me for who I am, but I'm so afraid he'll think I'm some kind of freak. My husband is 38 years old and very conservative. He truly enjoys sex, but refuses to "talk" about it. He also does not fit ANY of the stereotypes concerning male sexuality. Stating that "Sex is over-rated", he swears he's never masturbated and doesn't enjoy pornographic magazines or movies. He isn't very creative or imaginative where sex is concerned and he has absolutely no sense of adventure or exploration.
I, on the other hand, have a very active fantasy life and often masturbate. I love to read erotic literature and find a great deal of pleasure in looking at pornographic materials, including X-rated movies. A few years ago I even began to fantasize about having sex with a woman, and engaging in a threesome with a woman and my husband. Although there is not and has never been any specific woman involved in these fantasies, I'd still like to share them with my mate. In addition, I miss oral sex so much that I could literally scream at this point from the frustration of having only had that pleasure with my husband three times. The worst thing of all, though, is that I'm often left craving more after our sexual encounters even though I almost always reach a climax.
My husband is completely unaware of all of this because I've been holding back for years, so afraid he'll think that I'm a freak or a sexual deviant. How can I open the lines of communication with my husband when he is so reluctant to talk about sex at all, especially since I've been allowing this situation to go on for so long?
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
This is a very difficult situation, for there have been a lot of years without the kind of personal disclosures you crave. Unfortunately, like the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". It is hard (and probably impossible) to make your husband feel passion. If he has never masturbated, as he claims, he either has a very low sex drive, or he is too embarrassed to admit to it. Either way, it demonstrates his disinterest and discomfort with sex.
The only way to open up lines of communication is to jump in... not with your wildest fantasies, but just with the announcement that you are feeling frustrated and need to talk about it. I would suggest also that you talk with him about meeting with a qualified sex therapist to help guide your communication.
There are some men who love performing oral sex and this just seems to come natural to them. Techniques can be taught ... not desire. If he has avoided you orally for all these years, his discomfort will not be overcome just by suggesting he try.
If he will not talk and explore, and if he will not seek help from a professional, you can only celebrate your own sexuality in your own private way. Don't give up yet... push him a bit.
Bob Birch
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/