Not ruled by my libido


Not ruled by my libido


your avatar   No Interest (42 year-old man)

Who says that all guys are only interested in sex? Not me. I'm single, in my early 40s, a successful lawyer and business professional who lives in a large city. I've never had much of an interest in sex, not because of any religious or moral reasons, or because I've made any conscious decision to be celibate. Rather, it's because it's always just seemed like a lot of work for not much reward. Yet whenever I start seeing a woman she wants to get into bed by the fifth or sixth date. When I tell them I really like going out with them, and spending time talking to them but have no interest in sleeping with them, the reaction is almost always the same. They stop wanting to see me and either tell me I'm afraid of intimacy, am weird or a homosexual (I'm not - I have no interest in sleeping with men, either).

I find women attractive and interesting to be with - some obviously more than others - but is it unusual to have no interest in having sex with a woman I'm dating? I really liked the last woman I was seeing, but it ended the same way as the others - no sex, no dating. I have no problem being emotionally open with a woman I'm seeing but why do they all want that to lead to physical intimacy? Although I haven't slept with anyone in maybe 10 years, when I was having sex I found it impossible to sleep with another person in the bed, yet no one was willing to either sleep in another room if we were at my house, or let me go home if I were at their place. Why do people who "sleep together" have to sleep together, as well? Is it unusual to have no sexual fantasies? I can't ever recall having an erotic dream, and watching porn is boring. The women I've met who also had a low or no sex drive were unattractive and unappealing, so I didn't date them. Why is it so hard to meet someone bright, attractive and interesting who does not want to climb into bed?


    Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

Level of sexual desire is an individual matter, and some people have more and some less. The secret to a compatible relationship is obvious. Find some one with the same level of desire. A discrepancy in levels of desire can, as you know, be devastating to a relationship.

If you wanted to you could talk to your doctor about checking testosterone levels in your blood, since this is the hormonal aphrodisiac, but this is your choice if you want to explore a possible way to jump-start your libido. If not, keep looking, for there are bright attractive women out there who have low sexual desire and would love to be with a man who does not pressure them.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit:

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