Arousal and orgasms


Arousal and orgasms


your avatar   ashelle, 17-year-old woman

I'm 17 and I've never in my life been able to have an orgasm. I've never had sex, but that is out of the question because I plan to be a virgin until I get married. I also have never used a vibrator, and I don't know when I'd have the opportunity to go and get one.

People say that you need to "know your body" before you are able to orgasm. Yes, I have tried masturbation. It does absolutely nothing. It doesn't even feel good. I have a boyfriend and we have tried nearly everything, but even when he performs oral sex on me, it feels good but not that good. It's just like he's there but I can't get that good feeling going. Yes, I do admit that I'm always worried about someone walking in on us, but if that's it then why can't I orgasm when I masturbate? Nothing seems to feel good enough, and I can't find my G-spot either.

I feel sorry for my boyfriend because he has tried everything and it discourages him because he thinks it's partly his fault. Please help me if you can.


    Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

Orgasms do not happen easily for all women. Direct clitoral stimulation is by far the most effective pathway to orgasm, and, as you noted, the best way to learn is with masturbation.

In order to have an orgasm, there first has to be arousal. For woman, this involves engorgement of her genitals and lubrication of her vagina... lubrication that runs out and lubricates the entire genital area. There should be good sexual feelings when aroused and a good sexual response to stimulation of the genitals (and especially the clitoris). Arousal then builds and (hopefully) triggers an orgasm.

If nothing is feeling good, the problem is with arousal, not orgasm. Anxiety, guilt, self-consciousness and a lot of other psychological stuff can get in the way of arousal. Even a fear of letting go can short circuit arousal and orgasm. Some medications can interfere and even birth control pills can dampen sexual desire and response. Also, some women notice fluctuations in sexual response that relate to where they are in their monthly cycle.

Continue to learn about your body on your own, working on relaxation and fantasy... but allowing your body to tense, as it should naturally do as you become increasingly aroused. Don't worry about your G-spot (you probably can't reach it anyway) and concentrate on clitoral stimulation. Be patient.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit:

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