Jealousy is affecting relationship
QUESTION:
Jay, 46-year-old manFor the past year or so I have experimented with writing erotic fiction. The general tone is of a relatively inexperienced but sexy female getting involved in exhibitionism, striptease, and having sex with multiple partners. I sometimes write in the first person, sometimes in the third person.
I am also painfully jealous and the 'real' relationships' I have are threatened by my imagination. I am quite turned on when other guys find my partner attractive but I am acutely jealous, which undermines the positive sides of my relationships. I want my partner to look good (and she does) but I can't bear the attention she gets. My partner is 100% devoted but I can sense that my 'problem' could cause REAL problems.
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
Since I have also tried my hand at writing erotica, I am personally aware of the fascination with trying to get into the mind and body of a member of the opposite sex. You mentioned that you write from the point of view of a naive woman who loses her sexual innocence and discovers the power of her body (her exhibitionism and strip tease) and the power of her sexuality (her ability to experience and no doubt satisfy any number of men). This writing puts you in touch with what it must feel like from your character's point of view. This can be both exciting and threatening. You write of a "good girl" turned "bad", of an innocent who is ready to display her sexuality without guilt or shame. She has no boundaries. She is the kind of woman many men would love to meet in a bar, but could never trust in a long-term relationship.
It would seem that having imagined the unrestrained erotic power of a sexually "liberated" woman, free of commitment; you project this power onto your partner. You know she is attractive and realize that without her commitment she could (if she wished) have any man she wanted. You also realize that her sexuality is not something you give her... she is a sexual being and could enjoy sex with anyone she choose to enjoy it with. You worry that men in the real world will pursue her just as the men in your stories... and your greatest fear is that she will respond.
What should be exciting about all of this is given her attractiveness and her sexuality; she has decided to share it only with you. Value what she has and her commitment to be faithful and let her know how much you appreciate her gift. Your jealousy will drive her away, for sexual relationship are dependent not only on passion and love, but on trust and respect. Respect her sexuality and trust her. To do otherwise will drive her away.
Bob Birch
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/