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October 21, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Long Distance


My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship, only seeing each other every 5 months or so. We started sleeping together a few months ago and it was very painful and I did not enjoy it much. It seems that he is too big for me and I feel very stretched and often bleed slightly afterwards. He is the third person I have slept with and even when I lost my virginity it was never this painful.

What can we do to make sex less painful? Is it possible that he is too big for me?

Amber (19 year-old woman)


Despite all the worry men have about penis size and the obsession with being bigger, the reality is that some penises do not fit some vaginas. In time a woman will stretch and learn to accommodate a penis that is reasonably large, but if she anticipates pain each time she might also begin reflexively tightening. It is about like an automatic eye blink when there is a perceived threat to the eye.

Attempt to stay relaxed and use lots of artificial lubrication if you are not naturally lubricating (you should of course be fully aroused before penetration is attempted). The penetration should be slow, allowing you time to concentrate on relaxing, and the intercourse should be relatively brief. If you can avoid tensing up, you may in time learn to accommodate him.

It is always tough when there is a mutual desire to satisfy but a misfit of genitals. Patience and understanding are essential. At times you might opt just to have "outercourse". Straddle him and settle down on the underside of his erection (without penetration). Sliding along this sensitive surface will feel good to your partner, and having him sliding between your genital lips and on your clitoris should feel good to you.

Be creative.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.

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