Problems with orgasms


Problems with orgasms


your avatar   Dee, 19-year-old woman

I am 19 years old. I am very small framed - I wear a size 0 and weigh 95 pounds. I have only had sex like maybe 12 times, and I have never climaxed. I have had oral sex performed on me like 10 times. I do enjoy sex and oral sex, but I can't climax. I can, however, make myself climax, and I do get very turned on.

I have only been with one person whom I truly loved and still do. He had an exceptionally large penis - almost 8 inches and with a good bit of girth. Like a jumbo pickle. Sorry for all the detail, but I just want answer. Can you tell me what is wrong?


    Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist

There are a significant number of women who are able to orgasm with self-stimulation and not with a partner. We are each experts on our own bodies and have learned exactly what to do that will work. If we need to change the stimulation we do not have to find words to request it and do not have to worry about a partner trying to figure out what it is we are asking for. We have an immediate feedback loop and as our need changes, our self-stimulation changes. In addition, with masturbation we do not have to worry about another person's expectations or experience another person's pressure.

While a certain percentage of women can only orgasm alone, a much larger percentage (up to 65%) are unable to orgasm during intercourse, regardless of the size of their partner's erection. Many of these women can orgasm, however, with oral stimulation when "correctly" administered.

You might be trying too hard with your partner, or feeling self conscious because of his expectations. You might be relying on intercourse to orgasm, which for many women is the most ineffective means of getting there. Try to relax and use sexual fantasy to stay focused. Encourage prolonged oral stimulation with the concentration on your clitoris. If you can orgasm alone, you can certainly learn to orgasm with your partner, but do not expect it to happen with intercourse. If it eventually does, consider yourself in the minority.

Bob Birch

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit:


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