I am a 22 year old woman who has had a good life and enjoy lots of things but... I am starting to wonder about myself. I have had 6 sexual partners. I have had sex over a hundred times, yet I have NEVER had an orgasm from a man. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can have an orgasm from just me and my imagination. I just rub myself on the outside. No inside stimulation necessary. I feel like I come close sometimes with a man but it never happens. I enjoy sex but can never get to that point. I have been able to bring myself to orgasm by myself from just outward stimulation and think that maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe I need to retrain myself but then again since I have never had an orgasm from sex I don't know if it would be the same as what I get now from myself. It feels great and lasts for about 20 seconds. What is my problem?
Relax, there is nothing wrong with you. First of all you orgasm easily with self stimulation because you are an expert on your own body . . . the only expert. Second, you orgasm easily when you "rub outside" because you are stimulating your clitoris, and that is the most sensitive part of your genitals. Third, you are within the majority of women . . . as many as sixty-five percent of orgasmic women never make it during intercourse.
You did not condition yourself to orgasm with clitoral stimulation and there is no way to "retrain" yourself because this is anatomical (rather than psychological). If a woman is very aroused during foreplay and if the couple then use a few very specific positions for intercourse, the probability of orgasm during intercourse can be increased. The secret is to get your clitoris involved!
Most couple just automatically use the "missionary position," where the man gets on top of a relatively passive woman and, staying low between her thighs, makes long thrusts straight into her vagina. This works great for the man and will feel good to the woman, but if the clitoris is not in the line of fire and the woman's orgasm is unlikely.
I strongly recommend the female superior position. The man should lay passively on his back (he'll last longer if he does not thrust) and the woman should straddle him, slide completely down over him, and lean forward. This rotates her pelvis back and puts her clitoris right at the base of her partner's erection. Then if she does short thrusts, staying in tight against his body and tight up against his erection, she can stimulate herself by rubbing against him. Yes, the woman needs to take control and run the show.
Another position is called the Coital Alignment Technique (or CAT position) in which the man, after insertion, pulls himself up higher onto his partner's body so that the base of his erection is pressed against her clitoris. He should then begin short thrusts, and the woman should match is with her own short pelvic thrusts, BUT, the should keep their pubic bones tight together. In essence, they are rocking on each others pubic bones, and the woman is getting maximum clitoral stimulation. Since this is not vigorous, the man will last longer than with his typical hard fast thrusting.
This position can be reversed with the woman on top. Once the penis is inserted, she should slide down until she feels her clitoris come in contact with the base of her partner's erection. Then they rock.
A lot of couple simply plan to have the woman orgasm with cunnilingus and then the man mount and they mutually enjoy intercourse with the woman feeling no pressure to "make it."
A lot of couples also take a friend to bed with them . . . the woman's favorite vibrator. Using a vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse gives the woman the best of both worlds. Liberated men welcome anything that will bring the woman pleasure, and are not threatened by her sex toys.
I have free illustrated articles on simultaneous orgasm during intercourse and on using vibrators during intercourse on my web site.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator