My husband and I have been married almost three years, but have been together six years. I am 29 and he is 33. For at least the past 2 years his sex drive has not equaled mine. Or at least I thought it didn't. Then I found out he has been using porn and masturbation to satisfy a great deal of his sexual desires. This leaves me feeling hurt, betrayed and angry. I have asked him why this is happening, and his answers are that he needs more space (time away from me), and that he needs me to find other interests and things to do with my time. His answers also leave me hurt and feeling unloved and unwanted. He has never been a touchy feely person, but right now we are not having sex very often (once, maybe twice a month) and usually only because I make a big deal about it. I feel our intimacy is dying. It isn't so much the act of sex I miss, as it is the act of love and unity that comes from it.
What should I do? What can I do? The last time I tried to initiate sex, he turned me down. I am not overweight or unattractive, and I am a 29-year-old woman reaching my sexual prime. I am frustrated and hurt, and need the intimacy to return to our marriage. Please help.
Run, don't walk, to a qualified counselor/therapist who is skilled in both marital and sex therapy. Beware of those who will simply write this off as your husband's addiction to porn. The problem is much deeper . . . your husband appears to have an "intimacy disorder". It is not that he is hooked on explicit material and masturbation; he is avoidant of close, intimate, and sensual contact with you (and would probably be so with all women). The two-dimensional images are easy to relate to . . . just look, masturbate, and in three minutes it is all over. No need really to relate to a live human being. Perhaps your husband can learn to relate to you, but only if he recognizes the need and is willing to work on it.
Get some counseling, for without it, things are not likely to change. With counseling, at least there is a chance.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/