Losing sexual arousal
QUESTION:
Tori, 26-year-old womanI've always been comfortable with my body and with sex. I wouldn't call myself promiscuous but I have had casual sex and I have always had a healthy sex drive. A couple of years ago I started dating a guy who is a virgin for religious reasons and we moved very slowly physically - that didn't bother me too much then (I just learned to bite my lip and eat lots of chocolate) but now that we're engaged and he seems more comfortable getting close (we still haven't had sex yet, we're waiting until we get married), I'm getting less excited in the bedroom.
I'm still attracted to my fiancé very much, but have I completely lost my sex drive by repressing it for so long? He takes sex so seriously, I can't loosen up when we're fooling around and it makes me feel nervous. Will this totally ruin my sex life? Is there something I can do or say to him so I can get in the "mood" again without ruining it for him?
ANSWER:
Thomas H. Schear,
Dear Tori,
The largest sex organ in the body is the brain. What you tell yourself about sex, your fears, anxieties, depression, etc. can all impact how you perform sexually and how much satisfaction you receive from it. If you have performance anxiety about sex, you know, where should I put my hand, how should I place my body, what position, etc. it takes away the spontaneity of sexual relations. It is easier to say than to do but relax.
Your fiance apparently has a moral standard that he has set for himself that he feels comfortable with. By living by his standard I suspect he feels he can enter into a marriage free of STDs, without regrets, etc. Sexual relations for some is also a sign of emotional, mental and spiritual commitment that is reserved for a conventional relationship, that is, marriage. There is nothing wrong with his stance but it may be something you are not willing to live with. But if he is willing to have sex only with his wife what do you think the odds are of him having sex outside of marriage as compared to a guy who has had a series of sexual partners. People's behavior does not really change all that much the day after there are married as compared to the day before. If sex is casual before all it may take is getting bored, having a rough time in the relationship for the one party to decide they can find pleasure elsewhere rather than do the hard work of building a relationship. This can tell a great deal about his character. In this day and age of casual sex, anonymous sex, serial sexual relations, gutter sex, no sexual standards, he is a rare and precious commodity. You can either appreciate the gift or not. It's up to you.
Sincerely,
Thomas Schear
This question was answered by Thomas H Schear. Dr. Schear has over 20 years experience as a front line counselor, clinical supervisor, program director and college instructor. Currently he provides online and telephone counseling service as well as home-study and online course for the helping professional from his website.For more information visit: http://www.ccmsinc.net/