Infrequent sex after marriage


Infrequent sex after marriage


your avatar   Joe, 46 year old man

My wife and I have been married for 18 years (she is 55). The frequency of sex dropped off rapidly once we were married and starting about 5 years ago, she experienced severe discomfort during intercourse. We recently tried again, and it was so uncomfortable for her (tight) that we had to stop, even after the use of a lubricant.

Is this a common condition among older women? Do you have any suggestions on how we might overcome the problem?


    Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, LPC, LISAC, DCC

Becoming tighter with age is not typical. The more likely reason for this to occur is not engaging in sex enough. It is also possible that it just feels, to you both, that she is too small because she is not lubricating adequately. This can certainly happen with age. Since you did not mention the problem of her being too small when you first got married, but did mention that you both used a lubricant, this seems likely.

If it is a medical problem, then a gynecologist might be able to help with hormone replacement. These can be made of natural and more chemical compounds. It often reverses some of the emotional and physical effects of aging. There are medical risks with both replacement and with abstaining from replacement therapy. The subject is way too complex for this venue, and I would suggest that you do quite a bit of reading on the subject and then talk with your doctor.

However, I am concerned about your sexual life dropping off so suddenly, after marriage. That is unusual and could be caused by a medical problem. It is more likely that there is an emotional problem. It sounds as if your interest did not drop off, so I am assuming hers did. That could occur due to problems with the whole concept of sex. Ask yourself the following questions. Does she like it? Does she think it is natural? Is she adventurous? Does she or her family come from a religious or cultural background that views sex as dirty? Could she have been molested sexually in the past?

If any of these questions are relevant, that could account for the frequency of sex being so low and also the lack of lubrication and/or painful feelings when engaging in sex. Emotional issues can affect the physical processes. These issues could be totally or partially subconscious.

Talk with your partner and get her feelings and thoughts on this area. This is a significant problem to the bonding and closeness of the relationship. It is no time for timidity or shame. Both of you need to explore possible solutions together.

Good luck,
Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT

This question was answered by Jef Gazley M.S. Jef has practiced psychotherapy for twenty-five years, specializing in Love Addiction, Hypnotherapy, Relationship Management, Dysfunctional Families, Co-Dependency, Professional Coaching, and Trauma Issues. He is a trained counselor in EMDR, NET, TFT, and Applied Kinesiology. He is dedicated to guiding individuals to achieving a life long commitment to mental health and relationship mastery. His private practice locations are Scottsdale and Tempe, Arizona. You can also visit Jef at the internettherapist, the first audiovisual mental health online counseling center on the net.For more information visit:

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