Not getting enough sex
QUESTION:
Sexually Irritated, 27-year-old manMy wife and I have only been married for 4 years. She is now at the point where she doesn't seem very interested in sex. She is slightly older - about 4 years. I am a bit confused because most complaints seem to be the other way around (where men turn down sex because of routine). This is not the case; I cannot get enough of this woman. After being together for 6 years you would think that I would be tired...NOT A CHANCE. True, our relationship hasn't been all roses, but what relationship is?
She feels we should be emotionally closer before we return to being intimate with one another, but I am emotionally closer! I don't know why she's holding out - I think this whole thing is ridiculous. Could someone please help me understand? "Emotionally closer" just doesn't cut it with me, and I sometimes wonder if there is someone else. She also complains about trivial things like my size, saying that "It's too big." I know it may sound like I'm tooting my own horn here, but I thought women like that kind of thing! She knew my size and my sex drive before we were married! Other things she has complained about are the positions we use. I'm willing to compromise - I understand she feels more of me in the "doggy style" position, so I stick with the traditional "me on top" routine. Not that I mind as long as I'm getting it.
Am I being selfish? The women knows how I feel about sex - it's a must. I feel so antsy, excited, angry, jealous, mad, horny - I don't think there is a feeling out there I haven't felt since she started withholding sex! I understand that we both have very demanding jobs and two kids, so sometimes she's tired. But you can never be too tired for sex. I'm not a very verbal person so it's really hard for me to express myself the way I would like, especially without being insulting or too direct. But I did ask her about our sex life and she says it has never been an issue, but there is an issue...I'm not getting enough.
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
First of all, your anger in this inquiry is apparent, and if a woman feels that or feels pressured to have sex, most will shut down. What men often do not realize - because we respond primarily to a physical need - is that the majority of women need to first feel connected emotionally. She says she needs more emotional closeness . . . believe her! You say you are trying - then lose the anger. That is not the emotion that is going to turn her on.
You say penis size is a "trivial" thing . . . not if you are on the other end of it. Not all women would agree that bigger is better. At least you are aware that certain positions might be less uncomfortable for her.
I sense that there is more to this than difference in levels of sexual desire. I would strongly suggest that the two of you find a therapist that is qualified to do both marital and sexual counseling, because it seems to me that you are not going to simply screw this marriage together. There are emotional issues that must be identified and resolved first.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/