Unable to get aroused or orgasm
QUESTION:
Cinder, 27-year-old womanI got married at the age of 25 - it was an arranged match. I never had sex before and since I belonged to a very strict family, I had always suppressed my sexual urges - so much so that I even stopped feeling any strong urge.
Soon after we got married, I found out that my husband had a girlfriend. When I look back, I realize how much of an emotionally traumatic experience it was. During sex, I never became aroused or "wet" and my husband made me so aware of this abnormality. But I've always known that if I'd started my sex life and married life on a different footing, this might not have been the case. I'm more emotional than mechanical in sex, like most women.
As of now, he is no longer with that girl and I'm still married to him in spite of his other inconsequential relationships (which, even if unimportant, make me intensely jealous and insecure). But I'm still struggling with my problem of not being able to get aroused and wet during sex and to be honest, have never had an orgasm except when I masturbate with a vibrator.
Why don't I get wet easily? Is it because I can't find my G-spot that I can't orgasm? Is it abnormal not to be able to ejaculate any sort of fluid when having an orgasm?
ANSWER:
Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, LPC, LISAC, DCC
Dear Cinder,
If you are able to reach an orgasm masturbating with a vibrator then everything is working medically. It would have helped to know how much you lubricate while masturbating, but you haven't included that information in your email.
Everyone varies on almost any characteristic on a continuum. Some people are tall, 7 foot 5 inches, and some a small 4 feet. What is considered normal is a large band in between. The extremes do not necessarily indicate dysfunction, but just difference. I would perceive the amount of lubrication to be normal differences. Some people lubricate profusely and some barely at all. It is entirely possible that you are just naturally on the drier side, which is not necessarily a medical problem.
However, the brain is our most powerful and important sexual organ. If problems occur in our thinking or belief patterns, sex will suffer. For sexual relations to be most enjoyable, a person has to feel relaxed, confident, loving, and loved. They also have to believe that sex is natural, good, and devoid of sin. If this occurs people are at their most passionate. They enjoy sex more and they are also better at the physical act itself.
In your email you said that your parents were very strict. I am assuming they are strict in the sense of premarital sex. It is difficult for a person to have been taught for years that sex is bad, and then to begin to enjoy it immediately once they are married. To further impede a normal process you had an arranged marriage. The normal course of being attracted to someone and then loving them, before sex, was inverted. Being a virgin would complicate matters further, but to discover that he had a lover had to be devastating. Then, to experience your husband putting you down, for not being as wet or amorous as he would like, had to be galling.
Frankly, I am amazed that you could perform at all. Everything was against you. Thinking too much while having sex impedes all normal performance and doubting yourself causes performance anxiety. When this occurs it restricts blood flow to the genital area. Increased blood flow to the genitals allows people to orgasm. A stress hormone called Cortisol increases, which impedes normal functioning as well.
You said that you get jealous because your husband has affairs, but do you really love him? Do you feel he loves you? Is he still verbally abusing you? I think these are the more important questions for you to answer. If you felt better about yourself, your partner and sex in general, my guess is that you would lubricate naturally or at least sufficiently. Get some counseling for yourself and the marriage if possible, and doubt yourself less.
Take care.
Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT
This question was answered by Jef Gazley M.S. Jef has practiced psychotherapy for twenty-five years, specializing in Love Addiction, Hypnotherapy, Relationship Management, Dysfunctional Families, Co-Dependency, Professional Coaching, and Trauma Issues. He is a trained counselor in EMDR, NET, TFT, and Applied Kinesiology. He is dedicated to guiding individuals to achieving a life long commitment to mental health and relationship mastery. His private practice locations are Scottsdale and Tempe, Arizona. You can also visit Jef at the internettherapist, the first audiovisual mental health online counseling center on the net.For more information visit: http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/