Going crazy over her

 

Going crazy over her

QUESTION:

your avatar   Nic, 26-year-old man

I'm African, my girlfriend is Polish. We met last year through friends, and very quickly found ourselves living together. She gave up her life to come live with me, from Poland to London. We bought a small house together in Poland. However, I had to go back to Africa for what seemed to be two years to resolve family issues which, ironically, were related to her, but I never told her this. My family never wanted me to end up with a European woman, but after one month, I put my foot down and came back to her. I was always planning to come back to her. We lived in our tiny flat with her parents in Poland, and I came to London to prepare for our life together here.

A month down the road from this, she starts saying she isn't sure about us - I started thinking that I had been replaced. But she won't dump me or keep me, she just keeps hanging around. I gave her a gentle goodbye shove, prayed really hard, and ignored her but she keeps coming back. She does not want to live in Poland, but she says she isn't sure about a long term commitment (this was after we got engaged, and she left me in a huge emotional mess). I can't get rid of her and I can't keep her. Today, she asked for some money to do repairs to our house because after we split, we decided to sell the house. In the end however, I decided to give it to her (the house), because she needs the rent as income.

I want to save my relationship, but it feels one-sided. I push her away, she goes for 24 hours and comes back saying we should talk. Our talking is haphazard and she will not express her feelings. We are now three weeks into this stalemate. I want her to choose if she is in or out. I am still deeply in love with her, but I don't want her if she does not feel the same.

What should I do? How do I get her to stop being so indecisive and negative? Her family has put her down a lot, and she lacks confidence. Thanks.

ANSWER:

    Bob Rich, Ph.D.

Dear Nic,

It's obvious that you are a highly intelligent and caring person, and that's precisely why you find yourself in this situation.

From what you write, this lady does love you, but she may be afraid to make a commitment. Being with you means living in a strange culture, perhaps permanently separated from all she holds dear. She may be afraid that if she chooses you over them, there may be no going back.

I don't know what goes through her mind, but it's quite likely matters like this. My suggestion is that you find a competent person who does couples counselling. This could be a psychologist, family therapist or mediator. A person like that will be able to get the two of you saying things to each other that you've been unable to put into words previously, and also to provide an atmosphere where it is safe to say them.

Also, I suggest you get a hold of an excellent book: "Love is Never Enough" by Aaron Beck. It's almost a manual on human relationships. Whether it's with this lady or not, I am confident that you will do well in life.

All the best,

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com

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