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October 23, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Sexpertise

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Exploring the Unknown


I have never masturbated before and my boyfriend is the first person I have ever done anything with sexually. I enjoy having sex with him and I love him very much and he has told me that he enjoys having sex with me also. Since I have a limited experience with sex I am unsure of what an orgasm would feel like or if I have ever had one. My boyfriend claims that there is probably no way he could give me an orgasm unless I tried masturbation and figured out how to give myself one. At this point I am not very comfortable thinking about masturbation.

Do I need to masturbate to ever have a chance to have an orgasm? Will I know it when I have an orgasm?

Marta, 19-year-old woman


Dear Marta,

The answer to your question is no. It is not necessary to masturbate to first learn to have an orgasm. Unless there is some medical reason blocking the ability to reach an orgasm, your body should be able to attain it through any satisfying sexual stimulation. The key is being comfortable with your own sexuality and feeling positive about the type of activity you are engaged in and the person with whom you are involved.

With sex, as with most things, the more a person tries to be perfect or is outcome-oriented, the worse their performance becomes. Given that you said you were uncomfortable with masturbation, I wonder if the whole issue of sexuality is still a bit uncomfortable, even though as you say that you enjoy it. The whole tone of your email sounded tentative with the subject. That is quite natural at 19 and almost everyone has some of the same feelings at first.

Your lover brings up a good point though. The way that people get comfortable with anything is practice. The more you have sex the more comfortable you will feel. Remember that even though sex comes naturally to people it is also a skill. Skills are honed by practice and experimentation. Find out what feels good for you and what builds your passion.

His suggestion about self-exploration (masturbation) is a great suggestion if you are comfortable with it. It is one way to find out what you like and what you don't. You can experiment together as well or do both. The tendency is to get more comfortable with it after some time.

An orgasm is a mini seizure. When someone is feeling passionate a major portion of the body's blood flows to the genital area. This causes swelling and enlargement of those body parts. When passion peaks, the body seizures safely, which allows both people to discharge fluid, making impregnation more likely. The seizure consists of intense muscle contractions. The amount of fluid discharge varies between people, but in general it is more apparent in men. It is hard to miss and you should recognize it when it occurs. Let it be a natural outcome of your passion and love. Don't worry about it so much.

I hope this has helped. Take care.

Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT

This question was answered by Jef Gazley M.S. Jef has practiced psychotherapy for twenty-five years, specializing in Love Addiction, Hypnotherapy, Relationship Management, Dysfunctional Families, Co-Dependency, Professional Coaching, and Trauma Issues. He is a trained counselor in EMDR, NET, TFT, and Applied Kinesiology. He is dedicated to guiding individuals to achieving a life long commitment to mental health and relationship mastery. His private practice locations are Scottsdale and Tempe, Arizona. You can also visit Jef at the internettherapist, the first audiovisual mental health online counseling center on the net.

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