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September 25, 2017 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Should I take it or leave it?

Question:

I probably already know the answer to my question but would like some input from a "neutral" source.

My partner and I have been together for the last year. We dated two years ago but parted on a whim of his. While we were parted - for about nine months - I became involved in a long-distance (120 miles) relationship to "pass the time" until I found the nerve to re-contact my partner.

My partner has told me from the get-go that he will only love one woman in his lifetime: His high school girlfriend. They were together for about 5 years but ended the relationship and he moved to the other side of the country to get away from her. He has told me not to love him, not to count on him for commitment, etc. Knowing all this I allowed myself to fall in love with him (again).

Until recently I felt pretty secure in our relationship and about telling him I loved him, although he could not or would not say the same. The best I can get is that he cares about me. However, his high school girlfriend has been in contact with him off and on for the past five months and he tells me they are just friends and it is none of my business. He told me not to get involved or to care too much about him. We both come from dysfunctional families; his parents divorced with 6 kids, mine both alcoholics. I feel in my heart that our paths crossed because "it was meant to be", that I am the person God meant for him to find happiness with. I was told the score before I got involved with him but I went ahead, hoping he was ready to settle down. Now I am certain he is sleeping with his old girlfriend although I have no proof and he will not deny or confirm it. I know that relationship will never work out and they will part again, angry and tormented.

Should I hang in there and wait it out? I have refused to be intimate with him since I discovered he might be sleeping with her but it is very hard to say no to him. We are a perfect match in bed. Should I cut communication totally until he is ready to be with only me? I do not want to remarry but I do want a secure relationship. At this point the only thing I am refusing him is sex. Should I be "adult" and let him have his cake and eat it too by using contraception to avoid an STD, or put my foot down?

"Insecurity Inc", 42-year-old woman

Answer:

Dear 'Insecurity',

You are obviously a wise person, and know the answer... but knowing and feeling are two different things, aren't they? Your life sounds like the stories one finds in romances and operas, only, what is entertaining in fiction is all too painful in real life.

My dear, as you well know, this man does not love you. You are a distraction when he has troubles with his girlfriend. Think of the two of them as being married. Would you play along with him and be his mistress in that case?

I cannot answer for you people vary greatly. If you would happily be the mistress of a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife, then continue to have contact with this man. If not, then don't.

You love him. Obviously, he is skilled in pleasing you sexually. He may have physical and personality characteristics that resemble those of important people in your childhood, and without realizing why, this makes him attractive to you.

Just the same, he is not unique. It is simply untrue that there is one perfect match for each of us. There are a great many men out there who would give you equally as much pleasure, who seem attractive to you, and yet who are considerate of your feelings. This man is using you in a callous way, and the fact that he has been up-front and honest about it is irrelevant. You are just 'something to pass the time', however hurtful that thought might be.

Not all men are like that. As I said, if you are content to be the mistress, by all means continue with him, but stop expecting any more. But you are now 42. If you want more from life, go and look for it.

All the best,

Bob Rich

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 31 years experience as a psychologist and is registered with the Australian Psychological Society. He practices in Australia. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counsellor.

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