I've had sexual abuse and verbal abuse at young age.
I am 20 years old and I feel like I have lived my life over and over again. It is so hard for me to wake up in the morning anymore. I don't really feel like doing anything. I don't eat, and I know I am sad, but I can't cry.
I should be ecstatic - I am about to be married, but my fiance is about to be deployed to Iraq. It just seems to me that I should be a wreck right now, but I guess I am numb. I have tried other outlets, but it doesn't work anymore. I used to write in a journal but I get so annoyed with myself when I read these journals because it's just the same thing. I feel like I complain too much and I know in my heart that other people have it worse than me, so I get pissed off at myself for complaining. I have tried painting, but I am not good at it. I used to sing and play guitar, but it doesn't offer relief.
And to top it off, I have these terrible body image issues. I don't find myself beautiful in any means and my fiance and I get into arguments when he compliments me. My body issues are affecting my interest in sex and everything. And not to mention I had been sexually abused at the age of five by a close family member that I still see everyday.
Does anyone have any suggestions to get happier or maybe even finally break and cry? Because I can't even seem to do that. I just don't feel right in my own head and body and I want to be better for my future husband, because I know I can't love him to my full potential until I love myself. (I know that is a really cheesy line).
Ashymack, 20-year-old woman
I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible. I would suggest that you take small steps. You must do something different today so that your life will be different tomorrow.
A few suggestions:
* Buy a good guided meditation audio and do the meditation everyday. I suggest guided meditation because it is easier. I would suggest an audio based on healing and love.
* Take a walk everyday or any other form of physical activity. Exercise stimulates various brain chemicals, which makes you feel happier and calmer.
* Stop being so hard on yourself. You have mentioned everything that is wrong with yourself and your life. What about what is right? What about the wonderful human being hiding inside all the pain?
* Write a gratitude list, everything that you are grateful for. It could be things that you take for granted, for example, your room, your bed etc. Initially it may seem fake but this will really help you move your focus from what is missing to what you are already blessed with.
* Write an appreciation list, everything that is good in you. For example, healthy body, caring, compassionate, etc.
Have you ever tried any form of healing for the sexual abuse? When did this phase of being numb and sad begin? It would be beneficial to heal the painful memories.
You will be fine, but please do take action for the results to appear