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November 17, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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Solitude Loner

Question:

I was born in an isolated environment on a farm, where my papa is presently working as a doctor. I am presently living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in some other state and my pop is posted in some other state. With the sudden demise of my grandfather, we are living with a grandmother and I am completing my schooling from here.

My mom used to tell me I was completely quiet. But as I grew up I developed as a serious child. I remember I was weak in mathematics and exceptionally good in some other subjects to which my math teacher scolded me in every class. Now I am grown up and I view everything seriously. Since childhood I don't have any friends and I feel that no one will be able to understand me or what I feel, so I speak less or don't speak at all.

I share everything with my "DEAR DIARY" and almost everyday I cry a lot and even pray to God to take me with Him.

Our grandmother verbally abuses us without any reason, tells us to leave her house, fights everyday on petty issues, and even interferes in what we do every day. Since the beginning she is of the same attitude. Because of these everyday abuses, we are all greatly disturbed and depressed. We feel suffocated in her home because she has given us only one room and the rest is clutter in other rooms. And if we touch anything she shouts at us. She is not ready to change her ''ATTITUDE'' for us. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I tried many times to convince my parents to buy a home or rent, but it's all in vain. I am completely fed up with this.

I feel there is nothing in my life. No one can befriend me. My life is getting ruined everyday and I ask God if I am not eligible for happiness. I shed my tears every time. Then I feel the strength within me, claiming to be with me forever, and I suddenly feel God has given me this situation and to not lose hope. But finally what I feel is alone, with no one knowing me. Ultimately, I feel alone in life's battle.

Ritika, 18-year-old woman

Answer:

Ritika my dear,

You have reported two problems: a long term one about you preferring to be a loner, and a short term one regarding your grandmother. I do not think that they are related.

Regarding grandmother, you are one of three people who share this problem: your mother, sister, and you. The three of you need to form a team, and act together.

You have moved to be with your grandmother because her husband has died, and you wanted to be there for her, to give her support and help. It sounds to me like she doesn't want this. She wants you out of her house. She is suffering, and is taking it out on you. So, the three of you should ask her, in a decent and reasonable way: does she want you to stay there, or to move away and allow her to live her life the way she wants to?

If she says that she wants you there, then that gives you bargaining power. The three of you can say that you no longer want to live under these circumstances, and negotiate changes with her that will improve the situation. If she refuses, then you can leave with a good conscience. If she says that she does not want you there, then you have freedom. You can give her a hug and a kiss, and leave.

So, you need to convince your mother and sister about this. You can do so, because you are intelligent. It is just a problem to be solved.

Now for the long term issue: The problem is not that you are a loner, but that other people have convinced you that there is something wrong with you because you are quiet, and serious, and prefer your diary to other people's company. As one loner to another, let me tell you that it's fine to be like this. Everyone is different, and this is a good thing. Once you accept that it is all right to be the way you are, and feel respect for yourself, then your very seriousness and intelligence and self-sufficiency will draw certain people to you. I can say from personal experience that when you feel damaged and apologetic for being the way you are, this pushes people away. When you can hold up your head, and look at the world with strength and serenity, you become attractive, and people will want to be your friend. With your nature, you don't want dozens of friends, so you will be able to pick and choose, and have just as many or as few friends as you want.

Have a good life, my dear. You can.

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

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