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May 20, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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How do I fix this?

Question:

Lately my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot. I feel like it is because I am being jealous. We will go out to a club and dance and everything and I know he would never cheat on me and he loves me, but when I see him with other girls, no matter who it is, it bugs me. Part of me doesn't want to trust him even though I have no reason not to. It seems that we can't solve this issue and all we do is fight about it. He thinks I don't trust him and we always just end up mad at each other.

Please I need some advice...I don't know how to fix this!

Thanks

AO, 18-year-old woman

Answer:

Dear AO,

Jealousy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you try to hang on to the other person and restrict him, the more you push him away.

It always comes from inner insecurity. In the head, intellectually, you know you can trust him, that he loves you and that he won't cheat on you. In your heart, you believe that you are faulty in some way, perhaps that no one could possibly love you. This comes from interpretations of your world you made when you were a little girl. They made sense to you then, but now they distort your reactions to your world.

The thing is, thoughts of jealousy are not commands, but invitations. They actually only matter if you treat them as if they were true, and act on them. But you can decline to do that.

How can you keep your boy? By making him feel good about being with you. Anything that advances that is good. Anything that pushes him away is bad. Therefore, when a jealous thought comes, accept it. It's there. Don't argue with it, but instead design an action for you that will be attractive to him. For example, you can prepare a response like this. You see him talking with another girl? Put a lovely smile on your face, give them a wave. Go to the drinks counter, pick up three drinks and take them to your boy and the other girl. If this girl is a stranger, introduce yourself, in as friendly a manner as you can, and ask her some open-ended question.

What do you do if your boyfriend happens to be talking with another boy? When you see him talking with a girl, react to her as if she was a boy, or sexless. It is just another person who happens to be female, and is no threat to you.

In advance, tell your boyfriend that this is what you will be doing, and ask for his help.

You might want to read a book in which jealousy is a central theme. You will find it at http://bobswriting.com/sleeper.html

Have a good life,

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

For more information visit the site or contact information page on QueenDom.

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