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September 26, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Almost one year with current partner. The year before, I was just getting out of a relationship with someone who cheated on me, persistently. I discuss everything with my boyfriend now, but a few things are bothering me.

As I said before it has almost been 1 year with my boyfriend and we discussed having sex after being together for one year. The only thing is that I have never had sex with anyone before and I am nervous. He has with one other person. What can I do to help my situation? I feel I'm ready but I'm inexperienced.

Astryia (20 year-old woman) from Canada


Dear Astryia,

You and your boyfriend are obviously both morally good people. To you, having sex is not a casual rubbing together of bodies, but a matter of emotional commitment. This is excellent, and alas, not all that common nowadays.

You have not mentioned religious considerations; therefore I assume they are not important to you. At the moment, this next step in closeness seems like a mountain to you. I imagine you have all sorts of fears and doubts. Will it hurt? Will it be as good as it is supposed to be? Will he enjoy it with me? What if I give myself to him, and then he leaves? What if I get pregnant?

Am I right? Are these the kinds of questions that have been going through your head? At least, you can do something about getting pregnant. As you know, there are 100% safe ways of preventing it. As for the rest, yes, the first time will possibly hurt. For most women it's not a big thing, a small pain that soon passes. Many women feel no pain at all.

Chances are against you experiencing an orgasm the first time. But it can be very pleasant, even without that, and the peaks come with practice. All the two of you need to do is to be kind to each other. When you make love, he should forget about his own needs and try to make it as good for you as he possibly can. And similarly, you should forget about yourself, and do your best to make it good for him.

There are some men for whom the hunt is more important than the consummation. They lose interest in a woman once she has committed herself to the relationship. I can't tell if your boyfriend is like that. But let us imagine a worst case. Suppose you give yourself to him, and then he leaves.

It'll feel terrible... for a while. But most people have such a loss in their pasts. Even if this disaster should happen, you will survive it, and go on to other, better relationships. Of course, even the thought may be doing your boyfriend an injustice. Having shared love with you, he might want to stay with you for the rest of his life.

Astryia, when you are facing a scary decision about ANYTHING, ask yourself three sets of questions:

  • What is the worst possible outcome? How likely is that?
  • What is the best possible outcome? How likely is that?
  • What is the most likely outcome? What is the probability that this will happen?

The two of you should ask yourselves these questions. Then you can make up your minds. Good luck!

Bob Rich

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

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