Friend zoned

Friend zoned


your avatar   Will, 20-year-old man

I can't seem to get into a relationship and when I do it's not for long. I'm not a shy person, I talk to girls all the time and I can make them laugh but I'm always just ''the friend''. All my guy friends are happy in relationships. I have loads of friends that are girls but none of them want a relationship with me. I'm always helping people with their problems and setting people up, but all I want is a lasting and loving relationship. What am I doing wrong?


    Bob Rich, Ph.D.

Dear Will,

When I was your age, I was in exactly the same place. Every girl I met became my sister instead of my lover.

And then, I was shortlisted for a scholarship. That meant I had one chance in four of having to leave the country. There wasn't much point in getting a girlfriend, was there? So, I stopped trying.

The next girl I met liked me so much that we got married 6 months later. That was 43 years ago, and we are still married.

Before that, I didn't know what I was doing wrong either. But now I know. I was a lost puppy, looking for a home. Girls liked me OK, but they knew that if they allowed it, I'd become attached to them for life. And this intensity got them to keep a distance. When I relaxed, and just acted myself, and wasn't looking for LOVE, I found it.

All truth is paradox. Because you are desperately seeking a lover, you are getting friends. Go out and find friends, be a friend, and you'll find a love.

Hope this helps,


This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit:

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