I've known my best friend for years. Her father I've known for some time, but recently my best friend and I were invited to go to one of her father's friends reunions. I went thinking nothing of it, and it had been about five or six years since I'd seen her father. So we hit it off really well, and by the end of the night managed to get each other's phone numbers and all of that. I honestly felt a very strong connection and was under the impression he was divorced. He had already divorced my best friend's mom.
My best friend went back to Indiana for school and a week later I received a call from him. At first I didn't answer, but soon after decided to answer not really knowing what to expect. He told me he is married but explained it is very complicated (he has a newborn baby with his new wife). It's now been about 3 or 4 months of us talking every single day, seeing each other at least 4 or 5 times a week and having deep and meaningful conversations.
He recently told me he loves me, and also said he is falling in love with me. I was a bit baffled but to be honest feel the same way. It's all starting to become too much. I love him, he makes me happy, but I feel horrible for his wife, and also because of the fact that he is my best friend's father. I didn't ask for this situation to present itself to me, yet here it is and I don't know what to do.
Is it possible this really is love? That things could very well work out? I need some advice. I'm hurting inside and I'm not sure what I need to do or the steps to take.
Bambina, 23-year-old woman
Bambina, I have come across this kind of situation many times. A man's wife is pregnant, or has a very young baby and is not yet up to sex. So, his eyes wander and he finds someone he can charm. It's a game like fishing for trout.
So, I think your intuitive feeling is right. You feel terrible for his wife, and although you didn't say so, I can also sense behind your words a doubt about whether you can trust him.
I can't tell you what you should do. Only you can decide that. But ask yourself some questions:
- If I back off, will I find love elsewhere in time? Or am I then losing out on a wonderful relationship?
- There are things about him I find wonderful. Is it possible for me to find these with other men, or should I stick with what I can see, now?
- Why should I worry about other people - isn't my task to look after my own happiness?
And on the other side:
- Suppose I become his third wife and have a baby? What is he likely to do then?
- Suppose we make a long-term go of it, and I am 43 and he is in his 60s. Will that work? Will he be able to look after my sexual needs then?
- I have a certain view of myself as a person. What actions on my part fit this view, what are in conflict with it?
- It's lovely to be wooed, but how will he treat me when we've been together for some years?
So, think about these questions and others like them, and decide which way you want to go. My only suggestion is that you look particularly closely at two things: how you want your life to be, and what personal values are important to you.