Drugs are killing my self-esteem and relationship
My fiancé and I have struggled with a meth addiction for two years. At first the increased sex drive was limited to each other, then we sought more excitement and started swinging. I never wanted anyone but him. I've got a serious issue about needing to be enough for someone, but because he's younger than I am and I wanted so desperately to please him, I denied him nothing, and now when we're high he wants everyone but me. It's killing me emotionally. I have to be careful what corner in my mind I turn to because a simple thought can bring up images of watching him with someone else. I have borderline personality disorder and have started trying to self medicate with anything I can, including doing more meth just so I won't feel anything.
I am so neurotic over the guilt and hatred I have for myself that I don't have the nerve to go to rehab. I desperately want to be off this life killer. I don't know how I will ever be able to reclaim the purity and innocence with him that we had before the image of him with another woman was burned into my mind. I'm growing distant and bitter, and he's promised we're done with it - but I don't know how to get over the damage that's been done.
Nita, you now have the main requirement for beating this problem: motivation. You can now see that the wretched drug has caused a lot of harm.
Do go for that rehab. You don't need "nerve" for that. Rehab is a tool for your use, to get you where you are determined to go: to a decent, sane, good life. You CANNOT have that while you abuse your body with meth. You have a good chance by stopping something you now feel bad about because you have come to understand its consequences.
The trouble is, drugs always have positives (otherwise why would people take them in the first place?) This is why willpower is a very poor tool. Instead of relying on willpower, work out what the positives of meth are for you. You've listed several already. Design your life so that you get these positives WITHOUT the drug.
Another way you can have increased pleasure from sex is by becoming physically fit. Eat a good diet, do regular vigorous exercise. You will see your body become more attractive, your mind clear, your ability to withstand stress improve. This will of course have the side benefit of being more attractive for your man. This will give you self-confidence, so you will be less likely to torture yourself with jealous imaginings.
You mention borderline personality disorder. I don't know what your evidence for that is, but if it's a confirmed diagnosis, you need to engage in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. If it's just a label someone slapped on you, don't believe it. Labels are counterproductive. Read what I write about relationships at http://anxietyanddepression-help.com/relationships.html and put it into practice.
This moment is the start of the rest of your life. Turn off the meth path onto one of self-respect and inner strength.
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com