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May 22, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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Left For Someone Else

Question:

So just a couple of months ago my boyfriend of three years confessed that he cheated on me. He told me it was some random girl he hooked up with at a party and I believed it. I broke up with him right then and there. A month after the breakup I sent him an email for closure and he wrote back saying how horrible he felt for what he had done and all this other stuff. And that was the end of it. We both said goodbye and accepted it was over. I wasn't going to hate him, I was just holding on to the good memories and letting it be and moving along.

Knowing he felt just a tiny bit bad made me feel better, thinking he actually had a heart for second. But I came to find out online, not through him or anyone directly, that it wasn't a random girl, it was actually one of his friends. A month after our break him and her were officially in a relationship. As soon as I read that and saw the picture my heart was racing faster than I've ever felt. I could barely breathe and I was shaking uncontrollably. Horrible feeling.

That right there devastated me even more. I had accepted that he had cheated, believing it was a random hook-up, thinking he was going to regret losing me over a one-night stand. But knowing he left me for someone else hurts a lot more, maybe it doesn't make sense but I can't explain it any better. It hurts a lot more because it makes me question everything! Basically everything he told me in that email was all BS. He obviously did not feel as horrible as he says if he's already happy with someone else.

I was so good to him. I treated him like any man would want to be treated. I'm a good-looking girl with good morals and would have never done him wrong. I will never understand what she does better than me. I'm not trying to hate on the girl - I've never personally met her but from pictures I've seen she's cute, but she does drugs and is a high school dropout. Maybe she's just better at making him happy?

I know I shouldn't care or even let it affect me but I'm trying my best. Two months later and it was barely starting to get easier to get through my day and then I find this out. I don't want to feel like I am back to square one. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I want this to make me stronger but I just don't know how. I never thought this would happen to me. How do I make this go away? I just want to be happy again! I want to feel like myself and go on with my days not letting it affect me, but this is a pain I've never felt before.

How can I move past being left for someone else?

cmm730, 21-year-old woman

Answer:

My dear,

Of course this situation has got you terribly upset. He has betrayed you, lied to you, and treated you with disdain. You have been morally upright and decent, and got kicked in the teeth anyway.

Your question shows wisdom: you want to get past the issue. It has depressed you, made you feel inadequate, and now you feel that's enough, you want to get on with the rest of your life.

OK, here is something that may help. From your choice of words, it seems to me that you have automatically looked at this as a sort of a competition. The guy was the prize, and the other girl won the trophy. Because of that, you have been seeing yourself as if you'd lost. This is best expressed in "Maybe she's just better at making him happy?"

I don't buy this. Maybe he is unable to commit himself for any length of time to anyone. Maybe he is a reed that bends whichever way the wind blows. Maybe he got scared by the thought of marriage and kids. Maybe his father played around so he grew up thinking this is what men do, it's the way of the world. Or maybe anything.

As for losing the contest: if his behavior with you is an indicator of his typical pattern, then you are better off to find this out now than after you've had one or more kids with him. So then you are the winner and the other girl is the loser. She is welcome to him and good riddance - we only hope she is not too badly hurt when he repeats his pattern.

Then again, given your generosity of spirit, we can hope that he eventually grows up, thinks beyond the moment and takes responsibility for his actions. Pity that didn't happen while he was lucky enough to be with you, but what is, is.

If you can see the situation from this point of view, it should be easier to move on. You can realize that his choices may reflect badly on him, but they do not reflect badly on you. When you found out that he'd cheated on you, you severed the relationship, but didn't feel personally devastated. That came when you found out that he had replaced you with the other girl. So, if this wasn't a competition you lost, but rather his weakness of character revealed in time, then indeed you can let go and get on with the rest of your life.

Make it a good one.

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

For more information visit the site or contact information page on QueenDom.

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