No love or sex

No love or sex

QUESTION:

your avatar   Sabrina, 33-year-old woman

Hi. I have been with my man for four years and I have a problem I've been dealing with. He is not an affectionate person at all and it hurts me a lot. We barely have sex but he watches porn all the time. He tells me he just doesn't like having sex - I don't think we ever made love but we've stayed together. He tells me all the time that it has nothing to do with me, it's just him.

ANSWER:

    Bob Rich, Ph.D.

Dear Sabrina,

He is right. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If you looked like a film star and made love like a Houri in 7th Heaven, he would still be engaging in the same behavior.

I hear that you hate this situation. He is not going to change, unless he finds some very strong reason for changing. If he decides that there is a problem, he could seek psychotherapy and cure himself of this addiction. However, like most addicts, he is in denial. He chooses not to know that there is a problem. Therefore, he is not going to fix it.

So, my suggestion to you is to find a way of motivating him. What does he value so much that he is willing to change his addiction rather than lose it? Is it your company? If so, you could consider "tough love" - "Either you seek help for this problem, or we are splitting."

Porn addiction is no different from addiction to chemical substances such as alcohol. Go to Al Anon and read their very useful brochures on how people living with an addict can change what they do in order to stop enabling the addictive behavior.

Good luck,

Bob

This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com

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