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November 18, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Relationships

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He wants younger women


I have been married 22 years to a great man. Lately, things have been hard because we are both dealing with depression and past things have come to light. We are always together and enjoy each other's company. Our sexual relationship is good even though I'm the one who usually asks for it.

I just found out that he was having an emotional affair with someone online. He says he has thought of leaving. I have also learned that he is attracted to younger women, and wants to experience being with other women even though he is afraid. I am the only person he has been with. He doesn't find me attractive and wants me to lose weight. I am overweight but I am not ugly and dress up to look great. He has become more conscious of his flirting and women noticing him. We have talked of the benefits to his ego of moving on but have also talked about me moving on - and he doesn't like the idea of me with someone else. I'm hurt and trying to deal with this and put it aside, but it's hard, especially with my very low self esteem. We decided to work it out and he stopped all communication with her. He is trying, but I'm having a hard time dealing with his lying and his feelings for another person.

I am now trying to lose weight so that I don't lose my husband and I am trying to please him in every way. But I am so self conscious about what he thinks since I now know that he doesn't like my appearance. Should I put aside my pride to keep him or should I let him go find himself? Should I move on? Is this a fantasy he is going through or is he really not attracted to me because he wants a younger woman?

Texas, 46-year-old woman


As many people, both male and female do, your husband had a temporary fantasy of renewing his youth by finding a younger woman. From what you wrote, he woke up in time and realized that he was only risking making a fool of himself. If he has in fact left you for a younger woman, it would not take long for him to suffer: feelings of inadequacy in keeping her sexually satisfied, annoyance at different preferences, interests, likes and dislikes, and jealousy every time she looked at another guy.

With you, he can feel safe.

So, he cut off internet connection with the other woman. If he is still flirting, it is because he is trying to build up his self-image. That means he feels it needs building up. He is not the great seducer out to gather conquests, but a man who is unsure of himself.

Who said he doesn't find you attractive. Has he said so? Or is this your interpretation of his behavior? I suspect the second. It is, however, a good idea for you to get fit and healthy. The two of you would also benefit from a few sessions of couple counseling. Read my page and put into practice what I recommend there.

You two can rebuild a mutually trusting, loving marriage.


This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.

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