When I was 3 my father was diagnosed with schizophrenia. On that same Thanksgiving he committed suicide 5 minutes before midnight. I am broken in so many ways.
I feel like I'll never be happy again. I almost stabbed myself in the stomach a few nights ago. I feel like killing myself because God hates me and I'll go to Heaven and eventually my friends and family members will get over my death. I've been so depressed and I want my life to end.
Everyone around me has a dad and have blessed and happy lives, while I'm in the darkness trying to kill myself under everyone's noses. My life is so horrible and it's not meant for me to live. I want the pain to stop and I just want to be happy and be with my father.
Does God hate me? Why did God leave me fatherless?
"ADarkHeart48," 15 years old
God does NOT hate you. God is unconditional love and acceptance. There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you.
There is life after death. Some interesting suggestive evidence indicates what happens. You face a huge, glowing Person, Who loves you without judgment. This Person then guides you to re-experience the key events of your life. When you have done something that makes another person or animal feel good, you experience the positive feelings you caused, and this is very rewarding. When you do something that makes someone feel bad, you experience that negative emotion.
So, your father can FEEL your current despair, and you can be sure he feels terrible about it. The best gift you can make to him is to overcome your self-hate. If you also kill yourself, you will absolutely devastate him. It will not be doing him a favor.
OK, how do you change your current feelings? 12 years ago, you lost your father. As a little 3 year old child, you felt that somehow it was your fault. That's how little kids think. But it is quite clear that his suicide had nothing to do with you. Having been diagnosed with schizophrenia, he felt faulty, damaged, beyond help. Actually, the tragedy is that he was wrong. People with schizophrenia often recover. And even if the condition stays, they can build perfectly good lives for themselves.
Same is true for being an orphan. It'd be nice to have a dad, but there are millions of kids who don't. Many of them do fine. It is not your situation that is giving you distress, but how you think about it. Also, many kids with dads have TERRIBLE lives. Not all fathers are loving and supportive. Some abuse their wife and children. Others are so absent that they might as well have died.
You now have a situation. Ask questions like:
"Which of my previous thoughts about my father's death were little-kid opinions? Can I now get rid of them?"
"How can I become a better person for having my father's death in my life?"
Can I spend my life working with suffering orphans, to make their life better?"
These questions are only suggestions. Make up your own.
From your new grandfather,