Working things out


Working things out


your avatar   Damsel Distress, 18-year-old woman

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years this coming February and we got into a fight. Things have happened in the past but I want to move through it and not throw away what I have. This guy has been snap-chatting me and I've been snap-chatting back. Last night he sent me one with his shirt off, calling me babe. I don't know where it came from because we usually never talk like that. Anyways, my boyfriend considered it cheating and is mad at me and won't talk to me. He says he wants the relationship to be over but I'm having a hard time just letting go and he isn't necessarily walking away either.

When we were together for about 8 months he was messing with girls online, talking to them about doing sexual things with them. I decided I still loved him and wanted to make things work. It's been really, really hard to overcome but I have. Now that I've been snap-chatting with this guy he thinks that I want a relationship with him. I don't know how to fix this problem, I need help but no one seems to know the answers. I've deleted my snapchat, blocked the guy I was talking to on Facebook, and I don't have his phone number to get a hold of him. I've cut off all communication with him. I just want my relationship to work out. I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.


    Bob Rich, Ph.D.

My dear, the first thing you and your boyfriend should both do is to read this. It describes how to have a good relationship, and how to wreck one. Particularly, read the last bit about the little word "me."

Your boyfriend's job in the relationship is to do everything possible to influence you to want to stay with him. Your job is to do everything possible to influence him to want to stay with you. So, whether on the internet, phone or in person, any activity that will make the other unhappy is bad. It's bad even if the other person never finds out about it. Suppose he knows that him messing with other girls online makes you unhappy. Then, he should choose not to do so, whether you find out about it or not. Same for you.

If you consider some guy to be a friend, without anything sexual to it, then you should talk it over with your boyfriend. This is NOT asking for his permission. You don't need that. It is to sound him out, to see if it would be hurtful to him. If it is, you might be able to convince him to change his reaction, but as long as he feels threatened, however unjustified that may be, you should avoid the activity.

If you are both motivated to make a life together, great for both of you - it will be. It's fine to have disagreements, even arguments, but it should all be with respect, consideration and love.

Have a good life,


This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit:

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