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February 18, 2018 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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The Girl That Can Dream But Can't Choose


The problem I have is maybe one of luxury, but for me it's hard to deal with. When I go out with my best friend, we always talk with two guys we know from previous encounters. You can call them acquaintances. I've had a short relationship with one of them, about four weeks. Four others have, over a period of one year, said they liked me as more then "just friends". The problem is I don't like them the same way. They are just not the guys I can imagine myself having a relationship with: they weren't spontaneous and always said yes to everything I suggested. Although they were faithful, loyal and everything, this is not what I want. I need someone who can surprise me and who lets me see things I never knew existed before.

It seems as though I just can't fall in love with guys who are, in my eyes, boring and normal. The guys I like are the complete opposite of me, but are also the ones I can't seem to reach: those that are adventurous and rebellious. I believe there has to be a certain tension or spark between two people before it can work out romantically. I need an arm around me, someone who is there for me. I need love. I do get enough love from my family and friends, but I feel there's something missing in my life.

Do I have to start a relationship with a guy I don't truly like? Do I have to wait for a guy that will maybe never come?

"Doubt", 18-year-old woman


Dear Doubt,

Your question is easy to answer. Of course you don't have to start a relationship with someone you don't really like. In fact, it would be wrong to do so. It wouldn't be fair to either you or the guy. You also don't have to wait for someone that will maybe never come. He'll come. In fact, they'll come.

Your background material indicates that you have lots of questions that you didn't ask, and those are not as easy to answer. You say there's something missing in your life and certainly it's important to know what that something is. You don't think it is love. You suggest that maybe it's excitement that you want and that you hope to find a man who "walks on the edge". It's not wrong to hope for excitement from a relationship, but I think it's a little unrealistic (or a lot actually) to think that it will go on and on, day after day, year after year. Maybe you're not really looking for a long-term relationship yet.

It seems to me that you may also be asking for someone to tell you that it's ok to refuse to settle for someone who is normal. Since you see normal as boring (you talk about nice guys like pets - "faithful, loyal and everything"), I hope you don't get into that type of relationship because you will dump him, he'll be hurt and you'll end up feeling bad about yourself. Not a good situation.

Reading between the lines, my guess is that you have some sort of existential emptiness within yourself and it makes you uneasy and uncomfortable in ways you would probably have a hard time putting into words. If I'm right, you need to find a way to fill up that space. That's probably going to require therapy or, if you're lucky, a wise friend or mentor to help you get to know yourself and like yourself better. Once you're ok, I don't think you'll have any difficulty finding a satisfying companion and life partner.

Good Luck!

Jerry Button

This question was answered by Jerry Button. Jerry is a psychotherapist, personal development trainer, workshop presenter and relationship coach practicing in Delray Beach, Florida. He believes that the key to quality of life lies in relationships. His approach to interpersonal and emotional problems is relational and psychodynamic. Jerry is experienced working with individuals, children and families and welcomes challenging opportunities.

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