Depression and delusions
I'm 17. I have been passed on to different mental health hospitals all saying different things. I was clinically depressed for a month but then I felt fine, full of aspirations for the future and planning ahead. I had a burst of creativity like writings songs and poems and was happy for 2 weeks. Then I felt a pit in my stomach followed by the desire to dance and sing - I was so full of energy. I started having really bad delusions the last time this happened. I thought that Selena Gomez's songs were mine and I was imagining music videos for my lyrics.
I know it sounds crazy. I go through cycles where I don't feel depressed and then I do. And when I do I hate my life. I lock myself away and feel so depressed that I don't want to see people. I hate myself. I don't know what's wrong. Last time when I felt this energy at school I did stupid things like throw eggs and ditch class. Being a thug is not me. I'm a straight A, school-loving person. I'm scared of this.
I started having these obsessive delusions that come with this energy that I don't want. Last time I thought I could create a shrinking device. Before that it was the FBI being against me. Am I just depressed? I don't know what's wrong - I just don't want this feeling. The last time I was depressed I tried committing suicide by overdosing.
It is impossible for a person to diagnose your problem without a good, long talk, possibly in combination with using standardized tests, but from what you write, "Bipolar Disorder" is likely. This is a situation in which a person is sad, slow, and depressed some of the time, and full of energy, buzzing with creativity and even unable to sleep during other periods. Sounds a lot like your description. Bipolar shows itself in the mid-to-late teens for many people, so again, that fits.
The usual is for a doctor to prescribe medication to control the mood swings. These medications work for a majority of people experiencing the condition, but not for all. Also, they have some side-effects. All the same, it's worth giving them a try.
If they don't work for you, and even if they do, it's a good idea to use psychological techniques to build yourself a good life. You see, experiencing Bipolar doesn't mean that you need to suffer, or make people around you suffer. You can actually enjoy the benefits while putting up with the disadvantages.
Creativity is of course one of the benefits. I know many creative people who gladly work their way through the down times and with the negatives of the hypers, because of the fruit of their creativity. Some of the greatest thinkers, artists, and musicians of all time achieved what they did thanks to Bipolar.
At the same time, there are dangers.
During sad times, many people try to kill themselves. Of course, it's irreversible if they succeed, but failing can be worse, with permanent brain damage and other new disabilities. It's important to put safety measures into place. Also, when on a high, some people have false beliefs that may make them act aggressively and cause damage. So, again, if that applies to you, you'll need to design ways of avoiding harm.
You can get guidance from a lady who sent me an email many years ago. It is at http://bobswriting.com/psych/bipolar-nodrugs.html
Also, you will benefit from reading "An artist's creative life with bipolar disorder," by Alfredo Zotti.
You are welcome to keep in touch via email.
Your new grandfather,
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com