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November 17, 2018 - Welcome Guest!


Advice to a man when his partner does not reach orgasm

Contrary to what some might believe, most men are genuinely concerned about their partner's satisfaction, and probably the most frequently asked question in bed is, "Did you get yours?" or some variation of that line of inquiry. It is no secret that some women, feeling that they should have reached orgasm, or fearing that in telling the truth they might damage a fragile male ego, will answer to the affirmative, although they had not felt the slightest tremor of the earthquake she or her partner had expected. While telling a man what he loves to hear might at first mention seem merciful, if the woman repeatedly fakes her climax, she never will feel the earth move with this partner. She will be deprived of the orgasmic experience within this relationship and her partner will be deprived of the opportunity to learn what she needs and how he might help.

An option taken by many women, is to simply wait until they are alone and, with no pressure to perform, take their time and do exactly what they know will work. We are indeed the experts on our own bodies when it comes to self-pleasuring. However, as effective as this might be, the majority of men and women wish to share their orgasms with their partners.

As a general rule, if a man asks, he should hear the truth! This might be hard for the woman to admit, if she believes she should have made it, and difficult for a man to hear, if he believes he should have gotten her there. There are, in fact, women who are easily orgasmic with clitoral stimulation, or vaginal stimulation, or breast stimulation or even anal stimulation. There are women who can think themselves into an orgasm! There might be a tough act to follow if a woman becomes involved with a man who previously has been with a woman who orgasms quickly, easily and multiply.

Unfortunately, some men make comparisons, as do some women. In the light of this, my first piece of advice for men is to celebrate the unique differences of each woman, for there is more variety in sexual response among women that there is among men. This leads quickly to my second recommendation: Accept the differences as a challenge to learn about each partner, rather than using these differences to judge and assign grades.

It might help a man if he understands some of the reasons why some women have difficulty reaching orgasm. If a woman is stressed, worried and tense, she could unwittingly sabotage her ability to mentally and physically relax. Furthermore, a woman's feelings of being pressured, hurried, or scrutinized can get in her way. Relaxation is essential to beginning the process that eventually leads to orgasm. Mistrust, suspicion, or anger can also derail the process. A history of sex-negative messages, such as sex is sinful or genitals are dirty, might inhibit the response. Even the fear of letting go and losing control can stop a woman before she allows herself to plummet over the top. Obviously a history of sexual abuse, exploitation, intimidation or harassment can interfere with a woman's sexual potential. Certain medications, illnesses, surgeries and disabilities can also impact sexual response.

It is important to also highlight some of the common male errors in thought and behavior that contribute to a partner's failure to orgasm. Even with so much being written on the topic, there are still some men who do not know or do not believe that the majority of women do not and will not reach orgasm with only the vaginal stimulation of intercourse. Since intercourse works for them, many men assume it should work equally well for all women and if it does not, some will blame themselves for not being big enough or lasting long enough. Others will assume it is the woman's problem, when in fact, if she does not climax during intercourse, she is in the majority. Unfortunately, there are still women who also believe they should orgasm with this penile-vaginal stimulation and blame themselves.

Probably the best piece of advice I can ever give a couple is that they must talk! They must openly share what feels good, tell each other what works, and be honest in disclosing what does not work. They should talk playfully about creative activities, such as the man bring his partner to orgasm manually or, possibly more loving and more effective, bring her to orgasm orally. They should talk about the use of a vibrator, for many women find they are able to experience reliable and intense orgasms with the help of a vibrating toy.

When many men think of a vibrator, they picture a phallic-shaped, hard plastic cylinder that looks as though it should be placed inside a vagina. A vibrator will generally work best, however, when applied to the clitoris and usually when the woman is holding it herself. One error made by many men it to try to do it for the woman, when often it is best to get out of the way and allow the woman to do it for herself.

An important point not to be missed here is that for most women, the most sensitive spot on their entire bodies is their clitoris, not their vaginas. This is, of course, the reason most women will not orgasm with intercourse alone. My advice for men is to find their partner's clitoris. Ask about it, look for it, find it with your fingers, and caress it with your tongue.

Another mistake repeatedly made by some men who have found the clitoris, is to neglect it in their rush to the vagina, either with fingers or penis. It might help men to remember the importance of a woman's clitoris if they equate it with their own sexual anatomy. The clitoris has a short shaft that firms during arousal, just as a penis will. The clitoris also has a head, as does the penis, but with the nerve endings being packed into this compact target, this part of the clitoris is probably more sensitive than its male counterpart. Despite the similarities, and beyond the obvious difference in size, the penis and the clitoris are different in that the male member timeshares. This male appendage is used to urinate through, to transport the ejaculate out of the body, and to receive sexual pleasure. The clitoris, on the other hand, has only one function, for a woman's "pleasure bud" specializes in its single role as the prime source of her sexual excitement. It is much too important to be neglected!

Men often, in their focus on intercourse and their rush to the vagina, hurry the process. The sexual excitement of most younger men will ignite as when putting a match to gasoline. Most women, however, ignite more slowly as will a grassfire that must smolder for a while before bursting into open flame. Both will burn as hot, but timing might be critical. My advice to men, therefore, is to slow down! Women often need more time to relax, and to ease into the mood. They often require more sensual, but nonsexual, stimulation to begin the process and, once started, longer genital stimulation to become fully aroused. A woman's need to experience the trip is no more a disability than a man's need to rush to the final destination. Men and women need to understand each other and work creatively with their differences. Men need to learn to take their time and enjoy the sensual foreplay. Men need to learn the value of talking erotically with their partners, getting some sense of timing and direction from her, and then following it. Remember, it is always better to exchange helpful information during an encounter than after it ends and it is too late. Contrary to popular belief, men are not born experts on a woman's body! It takes time and open mutual communication to learn about each wonderfully new and unique partner.

Men must temporarily forget the emphasis I have place on the importance of the woman's clitoris, lest they make a premature dash for this target. Ample time should be spent kissing and fondling before slowly moving down to a woman's genitals. A rule of thumb to remember: When aroused, a man gets hard, but a woman gets wet. If on reaching the woman's clitoris she is found to be dry, a man should first check to see if she is holding some lubrication at the opening of her vagina (the primary source of her wetness) and if so, this can be brought up to lubricate and smooth the gentle touch of her small sensitive organ. If there is the beginning of lubrication, it might be best if it is first used to caress the less sensitive clitoral shaft before rubbing the more delicate head. If there is no lubrication, the man should probably move away from between the woman's genital lips and either return to non-genital play or cup his hand over her outer vulva (entire genital area) and caress in a manner that feels good to the woman. The indirect stimulation of the sensitive tissue between her genital lips might help fan the flames of her arousal. However, it must be remembered that each woman is the ultimate authority on her own body and men should not be afraid to ask where and how they would like to be touched.

Gentlemen, as your partner's arousal builds, know what is going to work best for her. For some women, orgasm is more likely to occur if the oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris is on the clitoral head, but for others it feels best on the shaft. Some like the stimulation to be direct, continual, and increasing in firmness and speed as their arousal builds. For other women, a steady and unchanging pace and pressure is the ticket, while for still others, a technique known as "plateauing" works best. Plateauing is a teasing approach in which direct stimulations is given until the woman reaches a high level of arousal, but then the touch is redirected to a less sensitive spot or slowed or lighted, causing the woman to drop a little in her intensity. She is then built up again and the procedure is repeated until it is sensed (or announced) that she is ready to explode. Talking about the various approaches and experimenting with different ways to build excitement is the kind of "homework" most couples find not only educational, but great fun as well.

As had been stated earlier, most women will need to relax to begin the process that will eventually lead to a satisfying orgasm. However, some men misunderstand when, as their partner's arousal escalates, they feel their partners begin to tense their bodies. A mistake often made, is for the man to stop and announce, "Relax, or you'll never make it." Men need to understand that as a woman approaches her orgasmic threshold, her body will naturally tense. She is likely to close her eyes, might grimace, could arch her back, and will probably tense all or parts of her body. Gentlemen, when this happens, do not stop until told to do so!

Above all else, remember that our sexuality should be mutual fun, never hard work! It is not a competition, and should receive a score. It is a gift, freely exchanged, and is never forced nor exploitive. Good sex focuses on intimacy and mutual caring, it is about closeness and bonding, and it becomes the celebration of that magically erotic pleasure two sensual human beings can stir within each other. Meaningful sex is not just about orgasms, but it certainly never hurts to have a few in the process!


Robert W. Birch, Ph.D. is retired after 35 years of clinical experience, university teaching and public lecturing in the specialized area of relationships and sexuality. No longer a sex therapist, he now identifies himself as a sexologist and an adult sexuality educator, and lives and writes in rural Ohio with Susan and their four dogs. For much more on this topic, read Dr. Birch's illustrated book titled Male Sexual Endurance: A Man's Book About Ejaculatory Control. A shorter bare-bones outline of the start-start exercises are available in his manual titled Introduction To The Management Of Premature Ejaculation: A Short Book About Lasting Longer. For a short illustrated brochure on the use of vibrators, including their use during intercourse, read Dr. Birch's Your Vibrator: Using It, Enjoying It, and Sharing It. Men wanting to learn more about orally satisfying a woman should read the book written by Dr. Birch titled Oral Caress: A Loving Guide to Exciting a Woman. All these books and much more can be found on his website at http://oralcaress.com.

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