Sister refuses to leave abusive partner
QUESTION:
"Heart"My younger sister (20 years old) has been in an abusive relationship with an older guy (26 years old) for 2 years now. I don't want advice on how to convince her to leave the relationship, because I've tried everything and talked with multiple therapists about it. I understand that right now, I can't do anything but wait and hope that she will at some point empower herself and leave. This is not happening in any visible future.
My question is on how I should personally deal with this. Rationally, I understand I can't do anything and should just accept it, but emotionally, I can't handle seeing how she gets worse and worse as he isolates her further and further and takes control of everything in her life (her social media accounts, her emails, phone, money, etc.). They're planning on getting married now. Everything between them is so wrong, and I find myself unable to truly "accept" the way things are. I want to do something, but any desperate attempt to reach her has blown up in my face. I think I'm powerless. So then, how can I avoid being emotionally ruined by continuing this relationship for God knows how much longer, possibly for the rest of my life? I can't completely cut her out of my life, but don't know how to stop being made further anxious and traumatized and concerned by witnessing how she's treated. It makes me sick to my stomach.
How can I cope emotionally while witnessing my sister's abusive relationship? How do I accept she might never leave? Thank you very much for your time.
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
My dear,
Your post shows a lot of wisdom. We can never solve other people's problems, and you learning this lesson is at least one little benefit from your unfortunate situation. As a therapist, I have often been where you are, although of course without being emotionally involved with the person acting in a self-destructive way.
Your sister may eventually escape from the abuse. Many people do, but often it takes a long time. But, as you wrote, your problem is how to have a good life, even while bleeding inside about a person you love. This is perfectly possible to do. Here are a few tools:
The past is history, the future is a mystery. I give you a PRESENT. There is only this moment. Focus on what is, right now, and do things to make that a good moment. Later, the distress may come back, sure. But there is no "later." There is just this moment, and for now, you're OK.
Please read one of the early chapters from my book, From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide. This will help you to generate those moments when things are good.
Another trick is to schedule the worry about your sister to a set time. This works even for terrible things like the death of someone you love. So, write in your diary an appointment with your worry. This could be half an hour, seven days a week, say 7 to 7:30 pm, or whatever is convenient. During that time, you give your worry permission to take you over. Fully experience the emotion; cry, swear, shout...whatever you need to do. The rest of the day, whenever a thought about your sister comes up, say to yourself, "Not now, Sue (or whatever her name is), I'll talk to you at 7 pm."
The most powerful tool is acceptance. I have a card I hand out to people about it:
"Geniuses at survival can live in hell, with peace in their hearts. We can learn from them. If I don't like something, I need to work at changing it. But that takes time, and may never succeed. For now, I can simply accept it. Best illustration is pain. Pain = sensation + emotion.
1. I have an unpleasant sensation. If I simply accept it, I'm not hurting. It can stay there, I'm OK.
2. Sometimes I can't manage this. Then I'm hurting. I can accept that for now I'm hurting, in pain, do want it to go away - and it's OK to feel like that. Then I may be in pain, but it's OK.
3. Sometimes, I can't do this, and am in despair: 'What's the point of living like this?' If I can accept that for now, I'm in despair, I can still carry on.
Acceptance at one level may allow return to a better one, but can't be done for that reason - or it's not real acceptance and won't work."
Your pain is emotional but the method works just as well as for physical pain.
I hope you read this, and find it of benefit. You are welcome to contact me.
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com