Battling to accept happiness
QUESTION:
Darren. 26-year-old manI am a 26-year-old father of a 2-year-old girl and in a relationship with the mother of my daughter. We had only been in a relationship for 3 months before she fell pregnant. My partner is 7 years younger than me, and with that came some uncertainty from my family's side. They wanted us to have an abortion which we both did not accept. My partner's family has no involvement in our lives or our daughter's life, mainly due to protection orders put in place against my partner's mother and grandfather for past occurrences, as a way to protect our daughter from anything that might happen.
My mother had an expectation that my partner would live up to who her family is, and without reasonable doubt, labelled her a bad mother within the first month of our baby's life. Within two months after that, my mother tried convincing me that we should take the baby away from her and allow her to have planned visitations. This conversation was overheard by my partner, and out of fear, she tried running away with our daughter. We left and went to stay with my unemployed father. At this time, I was the only working and providing for three adults and our baby.
My partner definitely has issues dealing with anger and resentment. This became known when she felt the need to defend herself as a mother. We have been to court a few times because my mother tried to get custody of our child but failed to do so. Our daughter was then diagnosed with Craniosynostosis at the age of 5 months, and my low-grade medical plan refused to cover the surgery - and we of course could not afford the cost at a personal expense. By the grace of God, we came across a doctor who was willing to do the surgery, which was covered in full. This somewhat brought us back together and uncovered the bigger picture: Everyone's love for our daughter. We have since moved back in with my mother, my partner has a good job (I recently started a promising job with growth potential), and this has alleviated the financial stress, but the trauma of last year has stuck with us.
My question, or concern rather, is that I'm battling to enjoy each day to its fullest. I am very edgy and aggressive (I got into a road rage incident a week ago), which is not like me. I was always positive and felt I could make other people feel the same; I could always look forward. I now find myself being the person who needs someone like the old me. I also try to please everyone but it sometimes comes at the expense of my relationship with my partner, purely out of fear that we will get into the same situation as last year where we were in and out of court with my mother.
I need to let go of the past and embrace each day as its own. I truly am blessed when I think of it. We are well and have a promising future, and my daughter is well and has recovered fully from her condition and the major surgery she had. I just need to realize it and believe that I am allowed to be happy and, most importantly, PEACEFUL. Please help me realize that the past is the past and every new day is a chance to be happy.
Thank you
ANSWER:
Bob Rich, Ph.D.
Darren, this is a wonderful story. You and your lady have survived terrible times, and put your lives in order. Trouble is, you have been traumatized by your experiences. There are hard feelings, regrets, and all sorts of stuff brewing below the level of your consciousness. This saps your energy, and makes you irritable.
Two things will help: Processing all these negative experiences so that they no longer weigh you down, and learning to forgive.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing past, present, or future bad behavior. It means accepting, caring for, and even loving people who have done you harm, while holding them responsible for their actions. The Buddha said that anger and resentment stewing around inside of you is a hot coal that you pick up to throw at someone else, but it is your hand that gets burned.
For processing the trauma, I recommend "Traumatic Incident Reduction." Click here to find one near you. You will also benefit from reading my book, "From Depression to Contentment: A self-therapy guide".
If you do all the right things, you will look back on this time as the point when you really started growing.
Good luck,
Your new grandfather,
Bob
This question was answered by Dr. Bob Rich. Dr. Rich has 30+ years of experience as a psychotherapist. Dr. Rich is also a writer and a "mudsmith". Bob is now retired from psychological practice, but still works with people as a counselor.For more information visit: http://anxietyanddepression-help.com