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September 23, 2017 - Welcome Guest!

Advice » Love

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Is it really me?

Question:

My parents didn't hug or kiss us; they just gave us material love. They were always yelling and nothing was ever good enough. Nobody ever followed through or kept promises. I got married the first time just to get out. I got pregnant at 19 and my daughter is now eight. Her father was abusive and is now in prison for beating someone's skull in.

I have been married to my second husband going on five years. The marriage is completely stressed. We've been to counseling and its not working, He is constantly telling me he's unhappy and its all me, all me, all the time. I am a good girl and have tried all my life. I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely and think this will also end in divorce.

Am I driving my husband crazy? Is it me? Why does he think he's so perfect and constantly reminding me how screwed up I am?

LOVE (26 year-old woman)

Answer:

First of all, you are not driving your husband crazy. I suspect he was not dealing from a full deck when you met him. You refer to yourself as a "good girl" when describing your background. You are not a girl. By the age of 26 you are an adult woman with everything that means.

I and you for that matter, can't do anything about your husband. Why he is putting you down I don't know other than generally it seems that people who do that sort of thing are trying to build themselves up by putting others down. Sometimes such people have lives that are so messed up that they focus their attention on someone close to control them or otherwise fuss over them. It gives them purpose. It is a sick and stupid thing to do. He would be miles ahead by supporting you as you become a better person.

What is more important is what you do. There was something about you that led you to seek out and find guys like the father of your child and then your husband. I suspect that your family background contributed to this. As you grew up you came to some conclusions about what kind of a person you are, of what you can expect from life and what you can expect from relationships. Those conclusions or what we call core beliefs have led you to where you are. I would urge you to go for counseling for yourself. Preferably someone who comes from a cognitive therapeutic approach. That person will help you ferret out your core beliefs and the assumptions and self-talk that comes from them. As you challenge and change those beliefs you will change. However, be warned, your husband may not like these changes because you will be growing, improving and he may feel he is losing his control over you. His crappy behavior may worsen. Then you will need to decide about that relationship but you may have the strength to make a clearer decision.

Thomas H Schear

This question was answered by Thomas H Schear. Dr. Schear has over 20 years experience as a front line counselor, clinical supervisor, program director and college instructor. Currently he provides online and telephone counseling service as well as home-study and online course for the helping professional from his website.

For more information visit the site or contact information page on QueenDom.

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