How to survive?

Dear "ylvy",

So glad you wrote to us for some advice. I'll try to help as much as I can, based on your brief letter.

I like to think of counseling as "healthy conversations," so I'll be responding to your letter line-by-line, as if we were in a real conversation... (The words in italics are yours...)

So here goes...

ylvy

I've just broken up with my boyfriend. He said that he wanted to live for himself. That was the second time I've been with him. I'm still hurt and can't get over him.

Tony

First of all I just want to say I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially for the second time with the same person. When we lose a love we feel "grief"... which is a huge amount of sadness that comes in waves, followed by a lot of anger that also comes in waves. I am going to assume that you are still feeling the waves of sadness...

ylvy

I'm still hoping that somehow he'll come back to me.

Tony

Did you keep hoping for this all along, since the first time he left? If he came back while you were still feeling the sadness, you might have taken him back without even thinking it through - just to get over all that sadness. There certainly must be something wrong with him that makes him keep wanting to "live for himself." You need to face the things that are wrong with him and decide if you'd ever want to take another chance like this with him, or with other people who are just like him. Even though it is tempting to take someone back to get over the sadness, it's not always the healthiest thing. This person has hurt you twice now, badly... so the odds are very high that there is a pattern here and that he would keep doing it.

The sadness we feel when we are going through grief is very strong... and we always FEAR that it will go on forever. But please believe me that it NEVER goes on "forever"... and that we can get over it rather quickly - in a few weeks or, at worst, months - If we allow ourselves to cry enough, and especially if we have good friends to just be there with us while we feel the pain.

ylvy

But in real life, he's getting even further from my reach. I feel like I have something that makes people hate me. Perhaps the way I look, talk, etc. I have started to hate myself.

Tony

"Hating ourselves" is just another way to talk about "getting depressed." And, yes, you can run a risk of getting very depressed if you don't face how Angry you are at this person for coming and going as he does and making you go through this over and over. --- If you have trouble getting along with almost everyone, it might be because you mistreat them or something. If you have this kind of a problem, you'd better get into therapy with a good therapist. But I'll bet you don't really have this kind of a problem at all, and that you are just thinking such bad things about yourself because you feel so awful right now... (Therapy or counseling, of course, would be a good idea regardless of this... Therapists can help you to get through your grief and self-doubt a lot feaster...)

ylvy

I don't have many friends

Tony

Again, if this is because of how you treat people, see a therapist. But if it's because you simply don't spend much time with them to develop good friendships, give the friends who care most of you a call... And let them show that they care at this rough time in your life.

ylvy

I've just joined a new class and I feel like a stranger.

Tony

I think everyone feels this way in a new class...

ylvy

I felt like I'm isolated from social life.

Tony

Are you? Have you been feeling bad for a long time, even during your relationship with this person? Have you been giving the relationship all of your available time and energy? This is never a good idea, because no one person can possibly give you enough love and attention. To be happy, we need at least a few good friends - and to have a few good friends we need to spend time with them...

ylvy

I feel so empty. It seems like there's no use to my life. I have no talent, no useful hobbies. Now I'm so afraid to face the future. I want to change but I don't know how. What's wrong with me? Please give me advice on how to survive in this world.

Tony

I think you'd be very wise to call a good therapist, or at least consult with a therapist online.. The overall picture in this letter makes me think that you have probably been feeling bad for quite a while, even before you had to face this loss. And I wonder if you might have been expecting or hoping that your man would "make you happy" and that made everything less enjoyable for both of you. --- I wonder if you might have a long-term problem of not knowing how to protect yourself through noticing when you are angry and using your anger appropriately. If you do have this kind of problem, that would mean that you are depressed off and on quite often... and that you'd need a therapist to help you with these problems...

I sincerely wish you the best and I hope you will let yourself feel your sadness thoroughly right now, then let yourself notice the anger when it comes. And if you think you have a pattern of isolating yourself or feeling bad emotionally, find a good therapist. If I can help you to get in touch with a good therapist online or locally, just let me know.

Tony Schirtzinger