High Expectations
QUESTION:
Liah, 23-year-old womanI've had many one-night stands and some very short relationships, but have never had an orgasm. I thought it was because I was never in love enough with any of them. All these years all I wanted was one person - the only person I ever loved. We used to have a different kind of relationship years ago, and some time ago AT LAST had sex. But while he was really turned on, I wasn't. But why? He was the one that I should have had the wildest orgasm with - even his talking should have been enough to make me shiver but I was so dry. And I have to add that it wasn't his fault. He was wonderful, and did everything I could have dreamed of.
I'm not one of those shy types in bed. So will you please tell me what my problem is? After this guy, I had sex with some stranger that I couldn't care less about and again, nothing happened. I was partially drunk on both occasions. Could that be the reason or do I have an emotional problem or something?
ANSWER:
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS Certified Sexologist
It is not surprising that you have never had an orgasm during the one-night stands. There are at least two things operating in such encounters: First, even though excitement might be high, so is anxiety and second, most guys in a one-night stand do not take the time (and might not have the interest) to discover what will work for a woman. Remember, most women (around 65%) are not orgasmic during intercourse, and if all a man offers is brief foreplay in his rush for penetration, she never will make it! Sometimes it takes time to learn about each other and what will reliably bring a woman to orgasm.
Communication is essential, but alcohol is not!
You have apparently made the mistake of believing that orgasms are triggered by love. It is great to be in love with a man, but if his touch is off target, the orgasm will not occur. My guess is that you were expecting too much, expecting a miracle and monitoring your arousal. Your drinking might have slowed down your response and when you discovered that your were not feeling aroused, you probably worried even more. When you tried again with a stranger (again under the influence of alcohol) you were trying to prove to yourself that you could still become aroused and were trying too hard. In so doing, you sabotaged your response.
You have stated that you have never had an orgasm, but did not indicate whether or not you can orgasm with masturbation. This is the place to start and, if you have not already done so, you should learn about orgasm on your own. It is also important to tell men where and how to touch, for they will not automatically know what works for you.
It is always easier for a woman to learn to be orgasmic within a stable relationship with a partner who is patient and willing to devote the time. Sex is great when it does occur within a loving relationship, but love does not replace the importance of relaxation and communication. Try not to worry and work on telling your partner everything you have learned from your own self-stimulation.
Bob Birch
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., is a retired sex therapist, now identifying himself as a sexologist and adult sexuality educator. He now devotes his time to writing educational and self-help books for adults.For more information visit: http://www.oralcaress.com/